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June 24, 2002
[art] Every Picture Tells A Story — Jon Ronson on a family portrait …

‘A few years ago, John Birt came in for lunch. My father approached his table: “Are you John Birt?” he asked.

“Yes,” said John Birt.

“I wonder if you can help,” said my father. “The TV reception in this area can be all crackly and fuzzy. Can you do anything about this?” I think my father wanted John Birt to get on to the roof and fix the aerial.

“We spoke about all sorts,” my father told me on the phone afterwards. “The problems I’m having with my car – he couldn’t believe that it’s been in the garage six times.”

“Oh, and he hasn’t heard of you,” added my mother, on the extension line.’

June 22, 2002
[history] Deep Throat: Not the Usual Suspects — from McSweeney’s‘Richard Nixon: On a dark, rainy evening in the spring of 1973, President Richard Milhous Nixon, tormented by self-loathing, picks up the phone and places a call to the Washington Post. The rest, as they say, is history, my friend.’
June 20, 2002
[comics] Fake Memo about Superman’s Vision … old article from McSweeney’s‘Superman #102: Superman manages to resolve what would appear to be an intractable set of simultaneous crises (including a Doomsday machine, Lois Lane being held hostage, and a Kryptonite hailstorm), by using what are referred to as his “Defeating-His-Enemies Vision” and his “Hail-Reversing Vision.” This sort of thing is quite unsatisfying for the discerning reader, and, to put it bluntly, can only be attributed to laziness at the story-construction level.’
June 15, 2002
[blogs] Don’t Read This — transcript of an Instant Message conversation from Chris at Do You Feel Loved?‘If Osama Bin Laden was gonna drop a nuke into the earth’s core and said “The only way to stop me is… to suck off this monkey!” I’d just be like “Dude, that’s it? Whatever” and go to town.’
May 31, 2002
[omg!] Spiderman Body Painting [Warning: Link Contains Gratuitous Pictures of Blue Penis.] … Painted Naked Man As Spiderman. WHY? DEAR GOD, WHY?! [via FilePile]
May 24, 2002
[games] The Top 100 Video Game Engrish Of All Time … [via Lukelog]


May 21, 2002
[science] MC Hawkings CribFuck the Creationists [lyrics] …

‘Fuck the damn creationists, those bunch of dumb-ass bitches,
every time I think of them my trigger finger itches.
They want to have their bullshit, taught in public class,
Stephen J. Gould should put his foot right up their ass.’


May 7, 2002
[tv] The Young Ones Fansite — excellent episode guide and complete set of scripts [via Fark] …

RICK: There’ll be plenty of chicks for these tigers on the road to the Promised Land. This is it! It’s really happening! Who needs qualifications? Who cares about Thatcher and unemployment?! We can do just exactly whatever we want to do! And you know why? Because we’re Young Ones. Bachelor boys! Crazy, mad, wild-eyed, big-bottomed anarchists!! [Rick gazes ahead in horror] Look out!! CLIFF!!!

[The bus plows through a Cliff Richard billboard and over an enormous man-made cliff, crashing down hundreds of feet.]

VYVYAN, MIKE, RICK, NEIL: [together] Whew! That was close!

[The bus explodes]

April 14, 2002
[distraction] Queen Mum We Love You!! … great Flash animation in a South Park style. [via plasticbag.org]
April 9, 2002
[funk] The Periodic Table of FunkAi: ‘For the rare occasions you may be required to entertain your woman’s shortie: behold the Atari 2600 VCS. Nothin’ is gonna beat the multiple-bit power of the almighty 2600. Yar’s Revenge, River Raid, Combat, Q*Bert, Super Breakout… ‘ [via I Love Everything]
April 7, 2002
[web] Christopher Walken’s LiveJournal‘have you ever wanted to punch someone square in the teeth, just to see how many fall out? i met ben affleck today.’March 24th Entry. [via Grammarporn]
March 27, 2002
[comics] Reno man threatens to blow up comics store‘He said he wanted to blow up the place or burn it down. If he couldn’t have his comic books, nobody could.’ [Related: Metafilter has some amusing comments‘What are mylar snugs? They sound like diapers? Waterproof underwear?’]
March 26, 2002
[distraction] Britney’s Naked Cat-a-Phone … very similar to the Buffy Swearing Keyboard ‘Warning: Using this software will send your cat mental. It made mine bite.’
March 17, 2002
[celebs] Is Pete stalking Danny La Rue? ‘If you walk down Malett St and look up there’s a balcony of sorts with shrubs and trees. That’s where he lives. His front door is the one with the arm holding a hammer. I know this because someone told me.’
[911] Six Months that Changed a Year — an “absolute atrocity” special by Chris Morris and Armando Iannucci … Highlights include: ‘Julie Burchill: How I liberated Kandahar with the news that Tony Parsons is a bastard.’ [Update: Post on Metafilter]
March 15, 2002
[colon] LMG supports the campaign to pursuade Tom to irrigate his colon. [banner courtesy of Dave]

The Tom Coates Colon Irrigation Fund

‘I’m as yet unconvinced by the idea of the sponsored defudging – but I’m open to persuasion.’
March 11, 2002
[idle thought] Separated at Birth?

Bette Davis and Davros... Seperated at Birth?
Bette Davis (Film Star)
Davros (Dalek Leader)

March 6, 2002
[blogs] Yesterday I asked Metafilter if this picture made them feel inadequate… lots of amusing responses. ‘…his hairstyle is horrid, his cock isn’t that big, and the expression on his face is ridiculous.’
February 28, 2002
[comics] Get Your Wurtzel On — reworking of Get Your War On‘…when you get naked on your own book cover and yet nobody gives a shit, the world must seem pretty cold!’ [via RACM]
February 22, 2002
[books] Book-a-Minute Classics — ultra-condensed novels … Gravity’s Rainbow: ‘A screaming thing comes across the sky. It’s a V-2 rocket carrying twelve thousand pounds of symbolism, and it’s coming down on your poor, deluded, postmodern head.’ [via I Love Everything]
February 18, 2002
[web] So much content, so little time … seanbaby.com:

  • Seanbaby’s Hostess Page‘In the seventies, villains weren’t as deadly as they are now. All it took to be evil back then was a pair of bellbottoms with matching turtleneck and headband. Maybe an afro, maybe just some panties and a cape. One or two of them thought just being ugly would bring the world to its knees, and most times it almost worked.’
  • Atari 2600 Porn and a Brief History of Video Games‘The Atari 2600 wasn’t just built for games. It was built to punch our brains in the face with it’s indescribable madness. And this article is here to try to describe some of its most disturbing games.’
  • Seanbaby’s Super Friends Page‘The Super Friends somehow stayed alive for 10 years by hiring people who could talk to fish, match a cape to their underwear, and turn into a bucket of water.’
  • The Nation that Freaked Out … Seanbaby on the War on Terrorism: ‘One of the biggest tragedies involving airport security was the huge number of editorials that appeared in every paper, magazine, and TV show in the country complaining about it. That’s fine; you should complain every time someone shoves a bomb-sniffing dog three feet into your asshole for wanting to ride their plane. Those don’t bother me. The editorials that bothered me were the ones by people complaining security wasn’t tight enough. There were all these brave investigative jouranlists that were outraged they managed to get through checkpoints with a butter knife in their carry on.’

February 14, 2002
[comics] Batman Valentines Day Card from The Cap’n’s Unfortunate Valentine’s Cards‘I fight a war that can never be won. I strive toward a goal that can never be reached. I am haunted. I am relentless. I am tortured. Won’t you be my valentine? ‘
Batman Valentines Day Card

February 8, 2002
[wtf?!] Wgirls

A Dubya Girl

February 7, 2002
[blogs] not.so.soft: ‘There is so little that’s original on the web these days. Everything seems a bit recycled, plagiarised, stolen, revisited, reworked, repackaged. Especially in the personal publishing world.’ [via Venusberg]
January 28, 2002
[funny] Peace Activist Has To Admit Barrett .50 Caliber Sniper Rifle Is Pretty Cool‘"Look, I realize that the use of this instrument of destruction, even in wartime, is morally reprehensible, and I don’t see how anyone with a conscience could justify owning one," said Robinson, 31, a University of Vermont graduate student in sociology and president of the campus chapter of Amnesty International. "But you have to admit, it’s pretty wild to think that it’s capable of throwing a half-inch bullet into a man-sized target 1,500 meters away."’
January 26, 2002
[young ones] The Complete Guide to Rick’s Poetry … Rick’s Teen Anguish Poem:

oh god,
why
am I so much more sensitive than everybody else?
why
do I feel things so much more acutely than them,
and understand so much more.
I bet I’m the first person who’s ever felt as rotten as this.
could it be
that I’m going to grow up
to be a great poet and thinker, and all those other wankers in my
class are going to have to work in factories or go on the dole?
yes, I think it could.

January 22, 2002
[distraction] This is Me by Georg Bush‘i have the most guns and planes in the world’ [via BenHammersley.com]
January 18, 2002
[distractions] Destiny’s Alf‘…coz I depend on meat…’
January 17, 2002
[anti-porn] The Marmot Anti Porno Page — the internet needs more pages like this … ‘I took great care to ensure that this particular marmot wasn’t being chain cocked by the Village People.’ [via Blogjam]
January 14, 2002
[quotables] ‘C’mon, let’s do it! White Riot. Stand Down Margaret. I’m a child of recession, I’ve got hate in my eyes. Ask for me tomorrow and I’ll be gone cause I’ve got a one-way ticket to oblivion and I’m going to raise hell getting there!’ – Rik, The Young Ones.
January 13, 2002
[quotables] ‘There’ll be plenty of chicks for these tigers on the road to the promised land! Who cares about Thatcher and unemployment? We can do just exactly whatever we want to do! And do you know why? Because we’re Young Ones! Bachelor Boys! Wild eyed big bottomed anarchists! LOOK OUT!! CLLLLLIIIIIFFFF!!’ – Rik, The Young Ones.
January 8, 2002
[quotables] ‘We NEVER clean the toilet, Neil! That’s what being a student is all about! No way, Harpic! No way, Dot! All that Blue Loo scene is for squares. One thing’s for sure, Neil, when Cliff Richard wrote “Wired for Sound”, no way was he sitting on a clean lavatory! He was living on the limit, just like me. Where the only place to put bleach is in your hair!’ – Rik, The Young Ones.
January 5, 2002
[spam] SIMPLE PILL CAN INCREASE YOUR EJACULATION By 581%!!! … really silly spam. ‘Shoot up to 13 feet!’ [via Everlasting Blort]
December 29, 2001
[panto] It’s Behind You! Oh No It Isn’t! Oh Yes It Is! [via OnLine Blog]
December 24, 2001
[tvgohome] Charlie Brooker’s alternative Christmas Day TV listings‘9.30 I Love the Succession of Glittering Images Which Distract and Amuse Yet Ultimately Do Little to Quell the Boundless Sadness at My Core.’
December 21, 2001
[tv] What I’ve Learned — the wit and wisdom of Homer J. Simpson … ‘What kind of fool would leave a pie on a windowsill, anyway? ‘ [via Sore Eyes]
[xmas] Check out Marcia’s Crappy Crimbo Cards‘Bah, humbug.’
December 15, 2001
[distraction] Osama Smoking Gun Video — the latest translations … ‘UBL: Phil’s nowhere to be seen and Peggy’s left to run the Queen Vic Over Christmas.’ [via Metafilter]
December 3, 2001
[web] A Cunt Compendium … The Nathan Barley Extravaganza — All your favourite Cunts in one place. ‘The continuing adventures of a total wank stain.’ [Related: TVGoHome]

The most revolting Cunt I could find.

November 28, 2001
[comics] Photoshop this comic book cover … from Oddball Comics. [via Haddock]

Dell's The Rifleman -- A mysterious bag holds the secret to an outlaw's past and a threat against Lucas and Mark McCain.

‘Y’know, I’ve heard the term “sportin’ a woody” before — but this… this… this is just plain ridiculous! And the expressions on the faces of Chuck Connors and Johnny Crawford just make things worse — or at least, funnier!’ [MORE]
November 27, 2001
[school] Foe’s Reunited … confirms my feeling that Friends Reunited is evil and wrong. ‘Man’s greatest joy is to slay his enemy, plunder his riches, ride his steeds, see the tears of his loved ones and embrace his women.” – Genghis Khan’ [via Parallax View via Dutchbint]
November 20, 2001
[war] Afghans Taste Freedom — Smokehammer reports from Kabul. ‘…children play happily in the dust. Half an hour ago I helped an excited group skin a dead taliban fighter and turn him into a kite.’ [via As Above]
[tv] PopBitch vs. Trisha‘Following last week’s Diary entry on Popbitch regulars terrorising the Trisha Online message board for the emotionally vulnerable, events have taken a sinister turn. Hacked off with the pranksters pretending to be potential daytime-TV fodder, Anglia TV webmeisters threatened to call the police. They then traced some of the imposters’ email addresses, got in touch with their employers and warned them that they were using company time to mess with the minds of important chat show people. Which all seems more than a little heavy-handed and unnecessary.’ [Related: Trisha Message Board]
November 9, 2001
[school] Bullies Reunited‘Bullies Reunited is a site for those of us who spent our schooldays tormenting, ridiculing and psychologically disturbing other children who were smaller, weirder, younger, poorer – or, indeed, richer than ourselves. Kids who wore glasses. Kids who walked a bit funny. Kids who needed go to the toilet too often.’ [via I Love Everything]
November 6, 2001
[tv] Other Listings Magazine — more DIY TV Go Home‘18.30 Good Old Dad. First of a new six part series in which Richard Briers meets children he illegitimately fathered as a result of a series of sordid sex sessions during filming of the first series of “The Good Life”‘
November 1, 2001
[distraction] TV Misguidance — DIY TV Go Home. ‘20.00 Fear of a Blue Planet … David Attenborough gets eaten by Sharks. (Repeat)’
October 31, 2001
[funny ha ha] A couple of amusing Onions:

Let Us Freak‘Girl, please allow me to break it down for you. You are the love of my life, and I would travel to the ends of the earth to prove my love for you. I would fly to Europe in order to personally select the finest champagne for you to drink. I would climb to the peak of the highest mountain to demonstrate that my lower-back muscles are powerful and won’t give out. I would weave for you the most comfortable silk sheets ever known to creation. I am the man for you, and I will make you want to get down and get funk-ass nasty with me. I will make you scream and shout all hours of the night. I will make sweet love to you like no man has ever before. In addition to all of that, I will wash you.’ [via Haddock]

Now More Than Ever, Humanity Needs My Back To The Future Fan Fiction‘ Sadly, the flux-capacitor technology masterminded by Dr. Emmet Brown remains a fantasy. As such, we cannot go back in time and change the terrible events of Sept. 11. But we can draw strength by drawing close to one another and holding fast to the faith that tomorrow will be a brighter day. And also by reading my Back To The Future fan fiction.’
October 30, 2001
[sysadmin] An Actual Letter from a Fed-Up Systems Administrator‘Never fuck with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.’ [via BenHammersley.com]
October 29, 2001
[flatmates] Cleaning The Fucking Kitchen For Dummies‘The pizza may have arrived at your door on its own, but once you eat half of it, it’s dead and it won’t actually go away on its own. It doesn’t matter if you hide it somewhere like some sort of demented squirrel, it will stay there. Unless someone throws it away. That means you, if the world is just, which it plainly isn’t.’ [via Ms. Woo]
[books] More from Adrian Mole: ‘Glenn has been excluded from school, for calling Tony Blair a twat.’