April 28, 2003
[comics] The 12 Dumbest Covers of American Comic Books … [via Die Puny Humans]

photoshop this comic cover!

Oddball Comics on The Rifleman Cover: ‘Y’know, I’ve heard the term “sportin’ a woody” before — but this… this… this is just plain ridiculous! And the expressions on the faces of Chuck Connors and Johnny Crawford just make things worse — or at least, funnier!’
February 14, 2003
[fight] Who could you take in a fight? — the Onion AV Club asks a bunch of celebs. Alan Moore: ‘Ooh, let me see. Most superheroes, really. When you know them, they’re not anywhere near as tough as they appear. Whoopi Goldberg. I don’t think I’d have any trouble there. Macaulay Culkin. He better not start anything.’ [via I Love Everything]
February 12, 2003
[tv] The Hair Apparent — Charlie Higson discusses turning Swiss Toni into a sitcom. ‘…Swiss is a man who has invented his own persona in order to deal with the world. A lot of people do this, they create a character for themselves which they can hide behind. The comedy comes from the gap between how Swiss thinks the world perceives him and how he really is. He’s a man putting up a suave, sophisticated front while behind it everything crumbles to dust. So he has an over-the-top look, voice and manner, but somewhere there’s a frightened little boy peering out at the world from inside this glossy suit of armour.’
December 23, 2002
[xmas] The Wrap Trap — Mil Millington on Christmas Presents … ‘Presents are what Christmas is made of. The joy (or disappointment, or horror) of receiving them, the joy (or misery, or trauma) of finding them for others; the paraphernalia of present use; the shocking void created by the present that never came; and the Christmas remembered by the present that did. It is a rite with precise rules; “a shopping trip to buy Christmas presents for one’s extended family” is what it says in the OED under the entry for “dispiriting”; looking down at a freshly opened present and realising with sudden, suffocating dismay that this item is how the giver – and possibly the world – sees you; the special laugh you use to indicate how very funny the comedy socks you’ve just been given are: all these things and more are intertwined.’
December 3, 2002
[distraction] Ralph Wiggum Soundboard”I saw Principle Skinner and Mrs. Krobapple in the closet making babies, and I saw one of the babies, and one of the babies looked at me!!!’ [via Lukelog]
October 4, 2002
[books] Angry Bed Positions from Mil Millington‘Think of it as a ‘K’. One person is in the standard half-‘X’ shape (facing away) and the other is a rigid ‘I’; lying prone, eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling. Here you lose points for style if the ‘I’ person doesn’t let out frequent sighs and snorts in an attempt to get the Half-‘X’-er to ask ‘What is it?'” [via Anglepoised]
October 3, 2002
[blogs] Get Your Metafilter On‘Best. Mefi. Post. Ever.’
September 30, 2002
[distraction] Poo Price — find out how much going to the toilet costs your employers … ‘Why not try and squeeze one out right now ?? All you need to tell us is how much you earn a year and how long your working day is (we won’t record this, we don’t really care). As soon as you leave for your poo click Start, then when you’re back click Stop.’ [via UKBloggers]
September 14, 2002
[funny] Says God‘I like to kick things off with a bang. A Big Bang.’
September 12, 2002
[distraction] Dicks of Hazzard‘Just two good ol’ boys, wouldn’t change if they could, Fightin’ the system like two modern-day Robin Hoods…’ [via Blogjam]
September 5, 2002
[office] Subject: Star Wars Figurines — another office email classic … ‘To the person (or persons) who finds it funny to repeatedly position my star wars figurines in inappropriate positions, please stop. The note I put there requesting this to NOT be done was not a challenge for you to do it again, or to see how grotesque and inappropriate you could get.’ [via Venkman]
August 16, 2002
[memo] This Afternoons Events in the Restroom — a classic email from Internal Memos‘I understand from some of you that my recent indecency related arrest in Thailand seems to have clouded your judgement to illegal acts. Let me warn you that I am innocent and will prove so soon. This does not mean the office is a free for all.’ [via Haddock]
August 5, 2002
[i kiss you] Mahir Is Not A Terrorist‘Who is want to come TURKEY I can invitate ….. She can stay my home …….. I speake turkish , english , rusian , I want to learn other language ! I do not want to learn about terrorism !’ [kinda via Metafilter]
August 2, 2002
[books] Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2002 Results — competition to write the worst opening sentences to imaginary novels… [via Massive]

‘The professor looked down at his new young lover, who rested fitfully, lashed as she was with duct tape to the side of his stolen hovercraft, her head lolling gently in the breeze, and as they soared over the buildings of downtown St. Paul to his secret lair he mused that she was much like a sweet ripe juicy peach, except for her not being a fuzzy three-inch sphere produced by a tree with pink blossoms and that she had internal organs and could talk.’

July 15, 2002
[funny] The Big Book of Sign Language [via Haddock]

My Equipment is Largely Inadequate...

‘Deaf people having sex? Of course not. But they like to talk about it just like anyone else, and the modern lexicon of sign language terminology is exhaustive and more than up to the challenge. Our sign language dictionary concludes with succinct, suitable ways to communicate one’s sexual wishes to a deaf partner.’
July 8, 2002
[blogs] Gerard and Dan find each other. From this

‘I’m saying, you simpleton, that to claim that the RSPCA is wasting its time complaining about the welfare of animals while people are dying all over the world, when your own life is so utterly and comically meaningless, is hypocrisy. Or, more precisely, stupidity.’

To this (in about 17 moves) …

‘Mr Dan, where do you live? If it’s London, I’d love to meet up for a (non-alcoholic) drink. You seem like an interesting fellow.’

July 7, 2002
[sex] Whorechalking — Tom and Cal reinvent the London Prostitute Carding Industry‘…thanks to the magic of chalk and walls you can now be quickly and easily connected to the seediest side of the sex industry wherever you go! Introducing WHORECHALKING. Prove your manhood today. Go fuck something!’ [Related (kinda): Prostitute Trading Trumps]
June 27, 2002
[comics] The Aquaman Parody — flash animation distraction … ‘I’m drowning in self-doubt… because all my friends are trout.’ [via The Ninth Panel]
June 24, 2002
[art] Every Picture Tells A Story — Jon Ronson on a family portrait …

‘A few years ago, John Birt came in for lunch. My father approached his table: “Are you John Birt?” he asked.

“Yes,” said John Birt.

“I wonder if you can help,” said my father. “The TV reception in this area can be all crackly and fuzzy. Can you do anything about this?” I think my father wanted John Birt to get on to the roof and fix the aerial.

“We spoke about all sorts,” my father told me on the phone afterwards. “The problems I’m having with my car – he couldn’t believe that it’s been in the garage six times.”

“Oh, and he hasn’t heard of you,” added my mother, on the extension line.’

June 22, 2002
[history] Deep Throat: Not the Usual Suspects — from McSweeney’s‘Richard Nixon: On a dark, rainy evening in the spring of 1973, President Richard Milhous Nixon, tormented by self-loathing, picks up the phone and places a call to the Washington Post. The rest, as they say, is history, my friend.’
June 20, 2002
[comics] Fake Memo about Superman’s Vision … old article from McSweeney’s‘Superman #102: Superman manages to resolve what would appear to be an intractable set of simultaneous crises (including a Doomsday machine, Lois Lane being held hostage, and a Kryptonite hailstorm), by using what are referred to as his “Defeating-His-Enemies Vision” and his “Hail-Reversing Vision.” This sort of thing is quite unsatisfying for the discerning reader, and, to put it bluntly, can only be attributed to laziness at the story-construction level.’
June 15, 2002
[blogs] Don’t Read This — transcript of an Instant Message conversation from Chris at Do You Feel Loved?‘If Osama Bin Laden was gonna drop a nuke into the earth’s core and said “The only way to stop me is… to suck off this monkey!” I’d just be like “Dude, that’s it? Whatever” and go to town.’
May 31, 2002
[omg!] Spiderman Body Painting [Warning: Link Contains Gratuitous Pictures of Blue Penis.] … Painted Naked Man As Spiderman. WHY? DEAR GOD, WHY?! [via FilePile]
May 24, 2002
[games] The Top 100 Video Game Engrish Of All Time … [via Lukelog]

May 21, 2002
[science] MC Hawkings CribFuck the Creationists [lyrics] …

‘Fuck the damn creationists, those bunch of dumb-ass bitches,
every time I think of them my trigger finger itches.
They want to have their bullshit, taught in public class,
Stephen J. Gould should put his foot right up their ass.’

May 7, 2002
[tv] The Young Ones Fansite — excellent episode guide and complete set of scripts [via Fark] …

RICK: There’ll be plenty of chicks for these tigers on the road to the Promised Land. This is it! It’s really happening! Who needs qualifications? Who cares about Thatcher and unemployment?! We can do just exactly whatever we want to do! And you know why? Because we’re Young Ones. Bachelor boys! Crazy, mad, wild-eyed, big-bottomed anarchists!! [Rick gazes ahead in horror] Look out!! CLIFF!!!

[The bus plows through a Cliff Richard billboard and over an enormous man-made cliff, crashing down hundreds of feet.]

VYVYAN, MIKE, RICK, NEIL: [together] Whew! That was close!

[The bus explodes]

April 14, 2002
[distraction] Queen Mum We Love You!! … great Flash animation in a South Park style. [via]
April 9, 2002
[funk] The Periodic Table of FunkAi: ‘For the rare occasions you may be required to entertain your woman’s shortie: behold the Atari 2600 VCS. Nothin’ is gonna beat the multiple-bit power of the almighty 2600. Yar’s Revenge, River Raid, Combat, Q*Bert, Super Breakout… ‘ [via I Love Everything]
April 7, 2002
[web] Christopher Walken’s LiveJournal‘have you ever wanted to punch someone square in the teeth, just to see how many fall out? i met ben affleck today.’March 24th Entry. [via Grammarporn]
March 27, 2002
[comics] Reno man threatens to blow up comics store‘He said he wanted to blow up the place or burn it down. If he couldn’t have his comic books, nobody could.’ [Related: Metafilter has some amusing comments‘What are mylar snugs? They sound like diapers? Waterproof underwear?’]
March 26, 2002
[distraction] Britney’s Naked Cat-a-Phone … very similar to the Buffy Swearing Keyboard ‘Warning: Using this software will send your cat mental. It made mine bite.’
March 17, 2002
[celebs] Is Pete stalking Danny La Rue? ‘If you walk down Malett St and look up there’s a balcony of sorts with shrubs and trees. That’s where he lives. His front door is the one with the arm holding a hammer. I know this because someone told me.’
[911] Six Months that Changed a Year — an “absolute atrocity” special by Chris Morris and Armando Iannucci … Highlights include: ‘Julie Burchill: How I liberated Kandahar with the news that Tony Parsons is a bastard.’ [Update: Post on Metafilter]
March 15, 2002
[colon] LMG supports the campaign to pursuade Tom to irrigate his colon. [banner courtesy of Dave]

The Tom Coates Colon Irrigation Fund

‘I’m as yet unconvinced by the idea of the sponsored defudging – but I’m open to persuasion.’
March 11, 2002
[idle thought] Separated at Birth?

Bette Davis and Davros... Seperated at Birth?
Bette Davis (Film Star)
Davros (Dalek Leader)

March 6, 2002
[blogs] Yesterday I asked Metafilter if this picture made them feel inadequate… lots of amusing responses. ‘…his hairstyle is horrid, his cock isn’t that big, and the expression on his face is ridiculous.’
February 28, 2002
[comics] Get Your Wurtzel On — reworking of Get Your War On‘…when you get naked on your own book cover and yet nobody gives a shit, the world must seem pretty cold!’ [via RACM]
February 22, 2002
[books] Book-a-Minute Classics — ultra-condensed novels … Gravity’s Rainbow: ‘A screaming thing comes across the sky. It’s a V-2 rocket carrying twelve thousand pounds of symbolism, and it’s coming down on your poor, deluded, postmodern head.’ [via I Love Everything]
February 18, 2002
[web] So much content, so little time …

  • Seanbaby’s Hostess Page‘In the seventies, villains weren’t as deadly as they are now. All it took to be evil back then was a pair of bellbottoms with matching turtleneck and headband. Maybe an afro, maybe just some panties and a cape. One or two of them thought just being ugly would bring the world to its knees, and most times it almost worked.’
  • Atari 2600 Porn and a Brief History of Video Games‘The Atari 2600 wasn’t just built for games. It was built to punch our brains in the face with it’s indescribable madness. And this article is here to try to describe some of its most disturbing games.’
  • Seanbaby’s Super Friends Page‘The Super Friends somehow stayed alive for 10 years by hiring people who could talk to fish, match a cape to their underwear, and turn into a bucket of water.’
  • The Nation that Freaked Out … Seanbaby on the War on Terrorism: ‘One of the biggest tragedies involving airport security was the huge number of editorials that appeared in every paper, magazine, and TV show in the country complaining about it. That’s fine; you should complain every time someone shoves a bomb-sniffing dog three feet into your asshole for wanting to ride their plane. Those don’t bother me. The editorials that bothered me were the ones by people complaining security wasn’t tight enough. There were all these brave investigative jouranlists that were outraged they managed to get through checkpoints with a butter knife in their carry on.’

February 14, 2002
[comics] Batman Valentines Day Card from The Cap’n’s Unfortunate Valentine’s Cards‘I fight a war that can never be won. I strive toward a goal that can never be reached. I am haunted. I am relentless. I am tortured. Won’t you be my valentine? ‘
Batman Valentines Day Card

February 8, 2002
[wtf?!] Wgirls

A Dubya Girl

February 7, 2002
[blogs] ‘There is so little that’s original on the web these days. Everything seems a bit recycled, plagiarised, stolen, revisited, reworked, repackaged. Especially in the personal publishing world.’ [via Venusberg]
January 28, 2002
[funny] Peace Activist Has To Admit Barrett .50 Caliber Sniper Rifle Is Pretty Cool‘"Look, I realize that the use of this instrument of destruction, even in wartime, is morally reprehensible, and I don’t see how anyone with a conscience could justify owning one," said Robinson, 31, a University of Vermont graduate student in sociology and president of the campus chapter of Amnesty International. "But you have to admit, it’s pretty wild to think that it’s capable of throwing a half-inch bullet into a man-sized target 1,500 meters away."’
January 26, 2002
[young ones] The Complete Guide to Rick’s Poetry … Rick’s Teen Anguish Poem:

oh god,
am I so much more sensitive than everybody else?
do I feel things so much more acutely than them,
and understand so much more.
I bet I’m the first person who’s ever felt as rotten as this.
could it be
that I’m going to grow up
to be a great poet and thinker, and all those other wankers in my
class are going to have to work in factories or go on the dole?
yes, I think it could.

January 22, 2002
[distraction] This is Me by Georg Bush‘i have the most guns and planes in the world’ [via]
January 18, 2002
[distractions] Destiny’s Alf‘…coz I depend on meat…’
January 17, 2002
[anti-porn] The Marmot Anti Porno Page — the internet needs more pages like this … ‘I took great care to ensure that this particular marmot wasn’t being chain cocked by the Village People.’ [via Blogjam]
January 14, 2002
[quotables] ‘C’mon, let’s do it! White Riot. Stand Down Margaret. I’m a child of recession, I’ve got hate in my eyes. Ask for me tomorrow and I’ll be gone cause I’ve got a one-way ticket to oblivion and I’m going to raise hell getting there!’ – Rik, The Young Ones.
January 13, 2002
[quotables] ‘There’ll be plenty of chicks for these tigers on the road to the promised land! Who cares about Thatcher and unemployment? We can do just exactly whatever we want to do! And do you know why? Because we’re Young Ones! Bachelor Boys! Wild eyed big bottomed anarchists! LOOK OUT!! CLLLLLIIIIIFFFF!!’ – Rik, The Young Ones.
January 8, 2002
[quotables] ‘We NEVER clean the toilet, Neil! That’s what being a student is all about! No way, Harpic! No way, Dot! All that Blue Loo scene is for squares. One thing’s for sure, Neil, when Cliff Richard wrote “Wired for Sound”, no way was he sitting on a clean lavatory! He was living on the limit, just like me. Where the only place to put bleach is in your hair!’ – Rik, The Young Ones.