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June 24, 2005
[music] When Noel Gallagher met David Walliams … On Liam and Peter Kay: ‘Liam hasn’t got a sense of humour, fucking full stop. Like with Peter Kay. If you’re a northern guy about our age, all the reference points are spot on – you can’t not like him. We were on the tour bus one night and somebody put a Peter Kay DVD on and I thought: “This is going to be a fucking disaster.” There’s a few Mancs in our crew and everyone was laughing their heads off. And Liam’s just sat there going: “He’s a fucking fat cunt, fucking shit, fucking fat idiot.” So he gets up to go to the bog and someone goes: “Why doesn’t he like Peter Kay?” Because he’d been to the NME Awards when Liam won a trophy for being hero of the year – and Liam wouldn’t go up and fucking collect it. He had on this big white fur coat. So Peter Kay brought his trophy over to him and went “Ere you are lad”. And as he walks off, he goes: “Me mam’s been looking for that coat.” Fucking uproar! I was laughing like fuck.’
June 20, 2005
[tv] When Old People Attack — Mark Lawson on the Channel 4 documentary “Antisocial Old Buggers” … ‘Surrealism is a devalued currency in modern TV: every sitcom has its dream sequences, every sketch show its non-sequiturs. But Jan’s claim to have made the strangest speech ever heard on television rests on the fact that he seems to believe throughout that his comments are no-nonsense conversation. Discoursing on the state of the modern world, he suddenly says: “The worst thing of all is that pop song: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? Well, for Christ’s sake, hold it against her! You see what I mean? There’s a sort of wetness that I do find tiresome.” The sound you hear is comic playwrights weeping.’
June 14, 2005
[web] Is It Normal? — confirms by peer-review if your odd little habits are normal or not … Q: I shower at the night is that normal? A: Showering in the evening is a crime against God, and you shall surely burn in the fiery pits of Hell, heathen.
June 13, 2005
[comics] Dave’s Long Box — well done comic review blog … ‘I’m going to review my comic book collection and you’re going to like it!’
June 10, 2005
[pub] A Guide For The Un-Initated To Buying Guinness In An Irish Pub‘As you near the end of your pint, it is the custom to order another one. It is a well known fact that a bird does not fly on one wing.’ [via Kottke’s Links]
June 8, 2005
[blog] In Passing — snippets of overheard conversations blogged … ‘Let me put it to you this way, bottom line: if any half of a Jerry Bruckheimer movie makes you cry, you are living a terrible life.’
May 22, 2005
[ebay] Adult Baby Batman Plastic Pants for sale on eBay … [via Progressive Ruin]


May 19, 2005
[directions] The Way To Amarillo‘Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.’
May 17, 2005
[tech] You can’t escape those AOL CDs‘One of the questions AOL tech support asks when people call in complaining that they can’t get their AOL CD to work is, “Do you have a computer?” because so many people who don’t have computers stick the CD into their stereo or DVD player and can’t get it to work.’
May 6, 2005
[ukelection] Robert Kilroy-Silk. Not a happy man, really — A picture of Robert Kilroy-Silk losing the Erewash Election. He got 2,957 votes.
April 27, 2005
[funny] Wanted: A tall well-built woman‘But please only read lines 1, 3 and 5’
April 26, 2005
[ads] London Review of Books Personal Ads‘The LRB’s own Son of Jor-El, stuck in the Phantom Zone of the personal ads for three years now. Reckon I could still lick anyone of you wusses. Man, 36. Alone. Tonight, and very possibly forever. Box no. 07/12’ [via Yoz]
April 13, 2005
[comics] Unintentionally Sexual Comic Book Covers‘I can only imagine the condition of a society in which a comic featuring wet, well-trimmed, virile young man gazing romantically in a monkey’s eyes could be published without raising some serious red flags.’
April 6, 2005
[ukelection05] Alastair Campbell’s Weblog — almost certainly fake … ‘Out getting eggs for R, C and G. Couldn’t help notice Britney Spears has a perfume out. Was tempted but don’t think Fiona would be too happy. Or Tony!! He prefers Christina Aguilera.’
March 24, 2005
[funny] Cillit Bang Remix‘Limescale. Rust. Ground-in Dirt.’ [Related: Another Remix]
February 8, 2005
[buy] Cocoon for Men‘It’s a big scary world out there, full of responsibilities, difficult situations and death. But you simply don’t want to face it. If you’d rather have kids toys delivered direct to your door and spend your weekends playing with remote controlled AV technology, you’ve come to the right place!’
January 23, 2005
[religion] I have an Image of Jesus on my Penis — amusing posting on Craig’s List … ‘My girlfriend is a devout Christian, who, when she first saw this apparition, dropped to her knees, exclaiming, “Jesus Christ”, which I at first arrogantly misinterpreted as an exaggerated compliment on my manhood. Needless to say, I was more than a little disappointed to learn the true reason for her impulsive ejaculation. She has now taken to worshiping daily at this makeshift “shrine”, which is OK, I suppose, but she no longer wants to have sex with me for fear of offending the real Jesus. She even brought her entire womens’ church group over…’
January 17, 2005
[funny] Some Amusing Classified Ads

spoof classified ads


Update: Sick Children, Genocide and other Funny Stuff — a number of readers have pointed out these ads were created by Jimmy Carr — I got them from a viral email doing the rounds … ‘The “other stuff” section of this year’s show sees Carr read from small ads that he has placed in various unsuspecting buying-and-selling publications. “They’re just quirky little things,” he says. ” ‘For sale: bonsai tree – large.’ There’s another advert in which I’m selling some rubber sheets for £40; £45 clean. Which is quite funny, but I’m doing that in the watersports section of Loot, which I think is a joy.”‘
January 9, 2005
[flash] The Duel — Duelling Banjos as performed by a squirel and a penguin. Co-starring some pigs, the Dukes of Hazzard, the RSPCA and a cameo appearance by Burt Reynolds.
December 22, 2004
[apple] David McCandless: The Applestore of the Future.
December 8, 2004
[retro] b3ta: Hey Hey 16K‘old skool rampaks are much better’
October 29, 2004
[work] Forty per cent of IT workers vomit at office Xmas party‘…while more than third admit to snogging their boss or a colleague […] The research doesn’t reveal what proportion of people threw up before snogging their boss.’
October 7, 2004
[internet] ROTFL-3000 — The new keyboard for Chatrooms, AOL and Blogs … ‘HOME, DEL, etc have been replaced by face-parts so you can make your own emoticons if you so wish.’
October 1, 2004
[tube] What The Numbers On Your Tube Ticket Mean — from This isn’t London‘H: Number of loud, badly behaved teenage German exchange students in your carriage.’ [via Kevan’s del.icio.us]
August 21, 2004
[lists] Note To Self — lots of intriguing lists from celebrities. John Cleese: ‘List of newspapers that have recently interviewed me, invented a quote, used it as a headline and then failed for over a month to reply to my letter pointing this out – The Independent.’
August 16, 2004
[comics] Something Awful Photoshops Watchmen


‘…the harrowing specter of sexual dysfunction.’

July 21, 2004
[apollo] July 21st 1969: Neil Armstrong – The Awful Truth

‘TRANQUILITY: I abso-fucking-lutely am standing on the surface of the fucking moon. I am talking to you from the goddammed fucking moon. Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket.

HOUSTON: Holy Shit.

TRANQUILITY: Holy mother of fuck. The fucking moon. Over. ‘

June 5, 2004
[chris morris] Second Class Male and Time To Go — Hoax columns by Chris Morris (published in The Observer in 1999) … ‘Not for publication: You have made me too depressed to write. Unlike the great melancholics – Baudelaire, Beethoven – I have no genius from which to draw consolation. I am at best a Brian Wilson, but a Brian Wilson who went to bed before making Pet Sounds. Fuck you all.’
April 12, 2004
[ipod] Rejected iPod Engravings‘I last 8 hrs. You last 2 minutes. Who’s the man?’ [via I Love Everything]
April 7, 2004
[bbc] Alastair Campbell’s Wheel of Retribution — a little bit out of date but fun (especially if you work at the BBC) … ‘Whip… John Humprhys.’ [via Blah Blah Flowers]
March 30, 2004
[tv] Kenneth Williams Quote from Neil Gaiman‘”I’m a cult,” Kenneth Williams said to me, in 1985. “I’m an enormous cult. People stop in the street and point to me and say look, it’s that cult from the television.”‘
March 4, 2004
[quote] Dr. Evil’s Childhood: ‘Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian woman named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it’s breathtaking, I suggest you try it.’
March 1, 2004
[tv] History Today — archive of sketches from the Mary White House Experience … [via Green Fairy]

‘RN: You see that Theo Kojak? That’s you, that is.

DB: {spits} See that bit of flob?

RN: Yes.

DB: That’s you, that is.

RN: No, that’s your swimming pool in your garden.’

February 20, 2004
[web] Anna Friel Dating — odd dating site – aimed at search spiders perhaps? … ‘Welcome to the Anna Friel dating and romance page. We provide personals and match making for dating Anna Friel interested persons. This is a great place to find love and romance for singles and those marridge minded. Don’t forget to check out the weekly dating tips and advice. This site will help you to date with people who are interested in Anna Friel romance. We have a huge selection of Anna Friel people wanting to meet you!!… If you want to jump straight into the deep end Click to find your Anna Friel partner.’
February 11, 2004
[tv] ‘I hereby vow never to work in TV again’ — more from Garth Marenghi. ‘…a woman, eyes bedewed with tears, laments: “Hast then our humble fabulist deserted his loyal readerhood [50 million sales worldwide and counting] in favour of televisual terrors [scary TV]?” Fear not, friends. This scribe ain’t about to hang up his nib. In fact my new novel Return of the Coil, in which a woman circumnavigates hell via a cursed contraceptive device, hits the shelves in mid-Feb (Asda do a three quid off deal, but if you order it direct from my website, the first 30 punters get a complimentary egg cup in the shape of a skeleton head).’
February 10, 2004
[quotes] Quotes from Either President of the United States George W. Bush or Senator / Chancellor / Emperor Palpatine from the Star Wars Movies‘Now witness the firepower of this fully operational battle station’
February 4, 2004
[comics] I guess Frederick Wertham was right about Batman and Robin… [via ¡Journalista!]

image of the atom, flash, green lantern and batman

‘Only someone ignorant of the fundamentals of psychiatry and the psychopathology of sex can fail to realize a subtle atmosphere of homoeroticism which pervades the adventure of the mature ‘Batman’ and his young friend ‘Robin.’ — Frederic Wertham, Seduction of the Innocent’
December 23, 2003
[tv] The Canonical Priest List — Fantastic list of Priests in Father Ted. Mrs Doyle’s Imaginary Priest Names: ‘Fr. Andy Riley, Fr. Desmond Coyle, Fr. George Byrne, Fr. David Nicholson, Fr. Declan Lynch, Fr. Ken Sweeney, Fr. Neil Hannon, Fr. Keith Cullen, Fr. Ciaran Donnelly, Fr. Mick McEvoy, Fr. Jack White, Fr. Henry Bigbigging, Fr. Hank Tree, Fr. Hiroshima Twinkie, Fr. Stick Bubblecart, Fr. Johnny Hellzapoppin’ , Fr. Luke Duke, Fr. Billy Ferry, Fr. Chewy Louie, Fr. John Hoop, Fr. Hairy Cakelinum, Fr. Ebula Conundrum, Fr. Peewee Stairmaster, Fr. Tight Head Lips, Fr. Jemima Racktouey, Fr. Jerry Twig, Fr. Spodo Komodo, and of course Fr. Canabrana Lammer.’
December 6, 2003
[science] Ancient Fossil Penis Discovered‘As the discoverer of a new species, David Siveter and his co-researchers provided the name for the ostracode. They have called it Colymbosathon ecplecticos, which means “amazing swimmer with a large penis”.’ [via Interconnected]
December 5, 2003
[tv] Quotations from Tom Baker‘The notion that God was everywhere put paid to any possible peace of mind by the time I was six.’ [via Funjunkie]
December 2, 2003
[tax] Amusing Fake Tax Demand Letter: ‘…I ought to point out that even if you did choose to “give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India” you would still owe us the money.’ [via Metafilter]
November 17, 2003
[comics] Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex — Larry Niven wonders about Superman’s Sex Life … ‘Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it, Kal-El’s semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet. (*One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with holes during Superboy’s puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice that?*)’ [via Many Comic Blogs]
November 13, 2003
[comics] “Captain America! I Command You To — “ WANK! [via me(ish)]
November 12, 2003
[blogs] Mom Finds Out About Blog “God, my links alone contain unlimited fodder for Mom’s neuroses,” Widmar said. “She’ll have access to not only my life, but the lives of all my friends who have web sites. She’ll have the names of all the places in Minneapolis where we hang out, which she can — and will — look up. With the raw materials in my blog, she could actually construct an accurate picture of who I am. This is fucking serious.”‘ [via Anil’s Daily Links]
August 24, 2003
[language] Doctor Slang is a Dying Art — Amusing article about the acronyms doctors use to describe their patients … ‘The increasing rate of litigation means that there is a far higher chance that doctors will be asked in court to explain the exact meaning of NFN (Normal for Norfolk), FLK (Funny looking kid) or GROLIES (Guardian Reader Of Low Intelligence in Ethnic Skirt).’ [via My 2p]
August 18, 2003
[moon] Neil Armstrong – The Awful Truth — Blogjam presents what Armstrong really said when Apollo 11 landed on the Moon … ‘This is Tranquility Base. The Eagle has landed. Jesus H. Christ, Houston. We’re on the fucking Moon. Over.’ [Related: Onion – Holy Shit. Man Walks on Fucking Moon | via Sore Eyes]
August 2, 2003
[god] Over Three Hundred Proofs of God’s Existence … [via As Above]

‘305. ARGUMENT FROM MONTY PYTHON
(1) Graham Chapman appeared in a film that made fun of Jesus.
(2) Graham Chapman died of a horrible, incurable disease.
(3) Therefore, God exists.
(3a) And has no sense of humor.’

July 2, 2003
[connections] Microsoft Word bytes Tony Blair in the Butt — a mysterious person called M. Khan turns up in the revision history of a UK Government word document about Iraq …

Rev. #9: “MKhan” edited file “C:\TEMP\Iraq – security.doc”
Rev. #10: “MKhan” edited file “C:\WINNT\Profiles\mkhan\Desktop\Iraq.doc”


Unofficial Mary Whitehouse Experience: ”M. KAHN IS BENT’ was, until recently, painted in very large white letters on a railway bridge that crosses the North Circular road in London between Crouch End and East Finchley (Just by the gasworks). It had been there for over ten years, unmissable by every single car travelling in a westward directionon the North Circular, which, bearing in mind that approximately 300,000 cars containing an average of 2.7 people pass under that bridge every day, would indicate that, over the course of time, the fact of M. Kahn’s bent-ness may have been impressed on 2,956,500,000 people, or round about five times the population of Europe.’
May 26, 2003
[paranoia] Spam Anxiety… what are the Spammers trying to tell me?! …

Effort and Expense of a Large Manly Penis

May 8, 2003
[spam] Spam You Never See … [via Diamond Geezer]

yes I have a very juvenile sense of humour...