July 20, 2001
[politics] A On-line Petition: To Mr Big, Please make Lord Archer your Bitch. ‘Who’s the Daddy Now?’ [via Haddock]
July 19, 2001
[web] 20 Questions Ask Jeeves Can’t Answer. ‘Who’s your daddy?’
July 11, 2001
[wtf?!] Evil Edna’s Top Ten Heart-Warming Moments “3. An atheist sees God in a burning bush. Dragging him to safety, the atheist is given the greatest gift of all…. faith.”

Basil Brush’s Top Twenty-six Ways to Die ’16. Clive Barker’s favourite, having snakes made from a lunatic’s shit animated by an evil magician and invading your every orifice. Let’s hear it for Clive Barker, eh? 17. That magic flesh eating bacteria (nature beats Clive Barker).’ [via Seethru]
July 3, 2001
[tv] Adam and Joe’s list of very Bad Things. ‘3. Making toast or tea in the ad break only to find, as the show starts again, you hadn’t plugged in the toaster/kettle.’
July 1, 2001
[distraction] Bod and Star Wars collide…. Here Comes Darth. [via Bugpowder]
June 22, 2001
[web] NTK does Popbitch…. ‘And finally – from anonymity to immortality: word is it’s “extremely unlikey” that, after a successful stint in a B-list boy-band, both JAMES BULGER murderers plan to pursue careers as light entertainment presenters in children’s TV. “Friends Like These” might never be the same again’
June 21, 2001
[blog different] Two-fisted blogging cock tales… Swish Cottage‘Yes, in laymen’s terms, I had broken my cock.’ Vs. Nick “Torsion of the Testicle” Jordan‘I woke in agony; it felt as though someone had kicked me very hard in the gonads. Perhaps I’d somehow managed to catch myself while I slept, I thought, so I waited for the pain to subside as it normally would. It didn’t. In fact, if anything, it grew worse. Now somewhat concerned, I examined myself, but could detect nothing obvious. My calls for assistance were heard by my mother who came into the room to ask what all the fuss was about. “My balls!” I cried.’ [Related: Meg responds earlier]
June 9, 2001
[football] Manchester United Are Best Ever! ‘My Name is KOK kokweeuk’.
June 7, 2001

Anne Widdecombe: Vote Labour... or next time shes naked.

[via Wherever You Are. Cheers!]
June 3, 2001
[crime] WMOB — The Wiretap Network. FBI Wiretaps of Mafia gangsters… Frank and Fritzy. Life imitates the Sopranos. ‘FRITZY: I eat yogurt about 10 o’clock, ’cause I didn’t eat all day from 2 o’clock. So I says, “I’ll have a little yogurt.” Then it had raisins and nuts. FRANK: I thought you don’t eat raisins. FRITZY: It was inside the damn yogurt. FRANK: What’d ya tell me about raisins? FRITZY: Yeah, what I tell you? They were in there, alright? So anyhow, so I, I downed it and five minutes after, I started fucking itching around the balls, you know?’ [via Follow Me Here]
May 31, 2001
[celebrity] A Tribute to Danniella Westbrook in GIF. [Originally posted on tsluts] (more…)
May 30, 2001
[distraction] Freak Watcher’s TextbookIron Mike: ‘The one redeeming quality of the Iron Mike is, despite continual hangovers, he keeps a steady stream of low-paying temporary jobs that he gets from Labor-Ready — an employment agency for the unemployable. None of these positions are particularly desirable, but he makes do. The alcohol helps. With no retirement pay to look forward to, the Iron Mike generally wills himself to die on his 55th birthday. How this is accomplished is a mystery, but it often involves drugs, Mexican strippers and a goat.’
May 21, 2001
[politics] What They Would Rather Say In This Already Horrendous Campaign. ‘Twat. Fucking Cunt. Shithead.’ [via AngryBlog]
May 20, 2001
[distractions] The C Team. ‘In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire The Conservative Party.’ [via Tajmahal]
May 18, 2001
[blog] Dan asks the questions other blogs shy away from: ‘Have you ever wanted to shove a glass rod right up Nick Jordan’s cock?’ [Related: Nick’s Posting]
May 16, 2001
[falling knob?] Urban Myth — Does C3PO have a “oversized penis” on A Star Wars trading card? ‘The current theory is that at the exact instant the photo was snapped, a piece fell off the Threepio costume, and just happened to line up in such a way as to suggest a bawdy image. The original contact sheets from the photo-shoot attests to this. They are not retouched in any way, yet still contain the same image.’ [via Fark]
May 12, 2001
[distractions] Comedy MP3… Craig David Vs Bagpuss. [via NTK]
May 7, 2001
[the joy of stats] Why I Will Never Have A Girlfriend. ‘…. I, for one, refuse to spend my life brooding over my lack of luck with women. While I’ll be the first to admit that my chances of ever entering into a meaningful relationship with someone special are practically non-existent, I staunchly refuse to admit that it has anything to do with some inherent problem with me. Instead, I am convinced that the situation can be readily explained in purely scientific terms, using nothing more than demographics and some elementary statistical calculus.’
May 4, 2001
[distractions] You are… The Surrealist Link. ‘You are the most gutless cassock. Goodbye!’
April 30, 2001
[distractions] I don’t want to turn LMG into That’s Life but here’s a really rude bus….* * The WPA has struck. You can tell can’t you? I’m even linking to “odd odes” by Cyril Fletcher….
March 28, 2001
[politics] As the UK elections approach it’s important to know which party the major cartoon characters are supporting. (By the way, Porky the Pig was slaughtered and burned earlier this week… so I suspect he’s not supporting Nick Brown any longer.) [thanks to Marcia]
March 24, 2001
[collectibles] The Onion reports that Everything In Entire World Now Collectible. ‘Rarity, once a prerequisite for an item to have collector’s value, is no longer relevant. An early sign of this shift occurred in the early ’90s, when Marvel Comics encouraged fans to pre-order multiple copies of the much-hyped “Todd McFarlane’s Spider-Man #1” because of the book’s anticipated collector’s value. The issue sold more copies than any comic book in history, but fans still hoarded multiple copies in special dust-proof Mylar bags, in part because of its unique status as the least rare comic book ever. “Rarity is nothing. Do you have any idea how many Beanie Babies are out there?” asked Barbara Mason, editor of Beanie Baby Illustrated. “Let’s put it this way: There are approximately twice as many Scoop The Pelican Beanie Babies on the planet Earth than there are actual pelicans. And they’re worth more, too.”‘
March 22, 2001
[distraction] If you want a serious laugh check out… Cliff Yablonski Hates You. ‘jesus christ, you whiny little bitches need to go out and get a life for gods sake. all I get is “WAH, CLIFF, UPDATE YOUR PAGE, IM TIRED OF JACKING OFF TO THE ABC NEWS ALL DAY, WAH, UPDATE YOUR PAGE.” fuck you all. I hate you. Ive updated my fucking page, so shut the hell up you mongrel bastards.’
March 15, 2001
[world domination] Starbucks To Begin Sinister ‘Phase Two’ Of Operation. ‘Though the coffee chain’s specific plans are not known, existing Starbucks franchises across the nation have been locked down with titanium shutters across all windows. In each coffee shop’s door hangs the familiar Starbucks logo, slightly altered to present the familiar mermaid figure as a cyclopean mermaid whose all-seeing eye forms the apex of a world-spanning pyramid. Those living near one of the closed Starbucks outlets have reported strange glowing mists, howling and/or cowering on the part of dogs that pass by, and electromagnetic effects that cause haunting, unearthly images to appear on TV and computer screens within a one-mile radius. Experts have few theories as to what may be causing the low-frequency rumblings, half-glimpsed flashes of light, and periodic electronic beeps emanating from the once-busy shops.’
[credit] Finally, the homepage of the amazingly rude tube map which I saw on Usenet a few months ago… [via tsluts]
March 13, 2001
[crippled emotional needs] My email .sig circa 1994: ‘My every path is shrewn with cowpats from the devils own satanic herd.’ — Edmund Blackadder.
March 6, 2001
[comics] Chick Comic Theater does some amusing analysis of Jack Chick’s best work: Don’t Try Suicide, What Do You Expect In A Town called Sodom?, Rock Music…Inside Satan’s Boombox, Dungeons and Dragons…Geeky Pastime, or Gateway to Hell? ‘…if I’m not mistaken, that demon on the right side of the bed is whacking off! I feel sorry for Lance’s Mom. Not only does she have to discover her dead son swinging like a Pinata, but she’s got to clean up the unholy demon spew from his bed, too.’ [via Venusberg]
March 2, 2001
[a-team] Mr. T vs George W. Bush. For no reason at all… the voiceover on the opening credits of the A-Team… ‘In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.’ [via GLITTERDAMMERUNG!]
February 27, 2001
[soap] Frank Butcher’s Philosophical Car Lot has a fine selection of Frank’s Criminal Records… including the classic My Name is… Frank Butcher and Pat n’ Peg ‘You Bitch! You Cow!’
February 26, 2001

February 19, 2001
[fantasy tv] Ali G interviews Optimus Prime ‘Is that why this fight started then, because Galva-whatsit called your mum a slag?’
[sex toy] The Furby Hooker Network‘Furby Hookers can communicate with each other! Through infra-red “eyes” they can transmit messages to one another. This means that if you’re good in bed, all the Furby Hookers in the neighborhood will know it. THEY’LL BE FLOCKING TO YOUR DOOR WANTING TO SLEEP WITH YOU!’
February 3, 2001
[cock] Flame of the week over at the Register: ‘And quit writing the word “cock” on every page of the register! It makes you sound like peanut eating jizz mopers! It’s bad enough that you write about lesbian disabled porn in between mastubatory frenzies, but having cock thrust upon each page is disgusting!’
February 2, 2001
[nose] For anybody who comes to LMG for pictures of Danniela Westbrooke’s Nose: Gak Attack. ‘It’s class A Entertainment’
January 31, 2001
[meme] Yet another Whassssupppp! parody… Ayuuuupppp! ‘Watching footie, supping some ale.’ [via Frownland]
January 27, 2001
[questions] Paul Kaye (Dennis Pennis) answers the Guardian Questionnaire. What is your favourite building? Karnak’s Temple, Luxor. Maybe it was the heat, but when I went there I found myself in this little antechamber and was overcome with visions of Egyptian orgies. I masturbated swiftly wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a camera around my neck – which just goes to prove that all tourists are wankers.’
January 20, 2001
[politics] Bill Clinton’s Final Days… The Onion reports — Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’ ‘Bush swore to do “everything in [his] power” to undo the damage wrought by Clinton’s two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street. During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.’
January 19, 2001
[film] Dammit, Dave — David Mamet writes 2001… Hal: Dave. Look. Bowman: You’re not going to… Hal: What? Open the doors? No. No I am not. Bowman: Well, fuck me, Hal. Hal: Yes. Fuck you. Because I’ll tell you something. Trust. There is a bond of trust between an astronaut and his computer. Is there not? And when that trust is broken… Bowman: Excuse me?’ [via the Warren Ellis Forum]
January 11, 2001
[nude] Nudist ‘not a public nuisance’ — BBC News reports on a campaigner for nudism who was cleared of being a public nuisance. ‘As soon as he heard the verdict at Southwark Crown Court Mr Bethell – wearing nothing but a beard – shouted: “Being human is not a crime”. But Judge George Bathurst-Norman warned him: “I would not go away too much with that idea.’
December 23, 2000
[music] Eminem Vs Bob The Builder. :) ‘Then I got an email from Tim Ireland (hello Tim) who put one of those dangerous propositions to me; What would happen if Bob took on Eminem in a full on 12 round musical punch up ? Well, armed only with a copy of a computer program called ACID and several cans of bitter I set about the task of sellotaping the two contenders together and a couple of hours later the job was done.’
December 16, 2000
[memes come together?] Tell me… am I CLAIRE SWIRE or NOT?
December 15, 2000
[politics] ‘NOBODY expects the Liberal Elite! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…. Our two weapons are fear and surprise…and ruthless efficiency…. Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency…and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope…. Our *four*…no… *Amongst* our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as fear, surprise…. I’ll come in again.’ [Related Links: The Spanish Inquisition – Monty Python]
December 13, 2000
[music] Oops! Slim Shady Did It Again. Enimen’s Slim Shady to the tune of Oops! I did it again.
December 10, 2000
[666] I’m wondering… Does the devil have the best web designers? Church of Satan vs. Church of England.
[savile] Morrisey Investigates… Jimmy Saville. ‘The first recorded instance of this charming man Jimmy Saville was in 1765 when the local minister of the small village of Piddletrenthide in Dorset recorded ” a man claiming witchcraft” who said he could make all our dreams come true. He proceeded to light up a magic stick in his mouth – he called this witchcraft a “cigar” then gave each of us badges reading “Jim Hath Fixed It For Me?” We naturally tried to burn him at the stake but he managed to flee before we could catch him. It seems certain that this was Saville.’
December 5, 2000
[it must be love] BT’s lastest banner ad for ISDN. ‘If we can still monopolise it, we can still be cack at it.’
December 4, 2000
[quote] The Wisdom of Steve Aylett: ‘One golfer a year is hit by lightning. This may be the only evidence we have of god’s existence.’
November 30, 2000
[politics] Why I am Eating all the Pies by Chancellor Gordon Brown, MP. ‘I have eaten all the pies. Or rather, I have eaten as many pies as one man can safely eat. The other pies I am saving for later on, in my freezer. To the uneducated man, this may seem greedy. But I can assure you it is not. It is, in fact, essential to the well-being of Britain that I eat as many pies as possible.’ [via Interconnected]
November 27, 2000
[savile?] Bella wonders if it’s Savile or Saville… and so do I. The answer from Google: “Jimmy Savile” – 390 Vs. “Jimmy Saville” – 1180.
[celebs] A list of the Top 50 Celebrities of the 20th Century. Unsurprisingly Keith Chegwin is number one… ‘Hyperactive television presenter, whose finest moment was undoubtedly “Cheggers Plays Pop”, the seminal 1980s quiz show aimed at children. Cheggers would question several obnoxious kids, who were split into teams – a typical question would be “Which member of Spandau Ballet hibernates during the winter?” to which the correct answer is, of course, vocalist Tony Handley.’