October 10, 2001
[politics] A right pair of Dolly Partons — Simon Hoggart on the Tory Party Conference … ‘Then there was a stir. “Welcome,” said the chairman (a woman), “a very special guest. The Rt Hon William Hague!” At this point the conference sprang to life and stood. Noises emerged. IDS accompanied him onto the platform. It was a fantastic, surreal sight. They looked like two boiled eggs in blue eggcups. Their pates gleamed in unison. I gazed from the balcony in awe. If you’d stuck a few sequins on their heads they’d have looked like Dolly Parton’s cleavage. Then Hague separated from his twin and stood at the front. The conference applauded wildly. Margaret Thatcher (three victories) got little more applause than William Hague (one landslide defeat). It was mad. They were cheering the albatross!’
October 5, 2001
[movies] Another one from Colin’s Movie Monologue Page

Dr. Evil’s Secrets: ‘Okay. I have a vestigial tail. It’s more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I’ve dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you’re a poet, twice and you’re a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot- but here’s where the story gets interesting…’ [More]

October 4, 2001
[movies] Colin’s Movie Monologue Page — Some very amusing quotes… [via Haddock]

Dr. Evil’s Childhood: ‘Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian woman named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it’s breathtaking, I suggest you try it.’

September 26, 2001
Holy Fucking Shit. Attack on America.[9-11] American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie — the Onion’s take on 9-11. ‘When the president finally appeared on TV, it was George W. Bush addressing the nation, not Bill Pullman or Harrison Ford. At the conclusion of his address, Bush did not grab a leggy blonde reporter out of the crowd and kiss her. When Americans finally staggered into the streets, desperate to talk to anyone to try to make sense of what they had just seen, there were no Attack On America collector cups waiting for them at Taco Bell. The dead and injured did not, like Jon Voight, stand up in their wheelchairs as the music swelled. And Ben Affleck was nowhere to be seen.’
September 19, 2001
[rude] Roger’s Profanisaurus — Profanity in the UK! ‘Roger’s Profanisaurus By Roger Mellie. Edited by William H. Bollocks. Research by Ribena de Farquar-Toss. Fulchester University Press, Anus House, Fulchester, England.’
September 5, 2001
[comics] Plan To Get Laid At DragonCon 2001 Fails‘According to Melcher, women in his hometown of Calhoun Falls “wouldn’t know the Green Lantern from the Green Arrow.” As a result, he has not had a date since former girlfriend and longtime Illuminati: New World Order opponent Carrie Lenz broke up with him in March 2000. “I know a lot of girls online, but that’s not really the same,” Melcher said. “I needed to see some face to face.”‘ [via Comic Geek]
August 31, 2001
[comics] The Sandman Ate My Balls‘It’s Destiny’s luck to run out of balls.’
August 30, 2001
[more oj] The UKBlog Kids do more O. J. —

[oj] And another one… The Job is Done [by Chris at Do You Feel Loved]
[web] At home with TVGoHome — BBC News interviews Charlie Brooker … Brooker: ‘I’m still totally interested in doing internet-based things. The nice thing about the internet is that it’s a great leveller. TVGoHome was done on a budget of nil. The one thing that matters is coming up with a simple idea. I don’t know why more people don’t try it and do it – come up with something simple and try to build an audience. Everyone seems to want to create Onion rip-offs, but there’s plenty of room for good online comedy content.’ [Related: Zeppotron, TV Go Home]
August 29, 2001
When O. J. Simpson met the UKBlog Kids... it was Murder![oj] When O. J. Simpson met the UKBlog Kids… it was Murder!

Think you can do better? Here’s the original… go crazy… and email me the results. Links: OJ and the Dingo Kids met… Metafilter, NTK.
August 20, 2001
[distraction] Conclusive proof that NASA faked the Moon Landings‘It is almost insulting to think that NASA could get away with this obvious howler!’ [via Brainsluice]
August 18, 2001
[web] Top Quotes on DoomWorld IRC — wit and wisdom on a VAST scale … ‘my spanking will revolutionize the way all u people function as individuals’ [via NTK]
August 13, 2001
[comics] Fisher Price Theatre Presents… Catcher in the Rye [Part 1 | Part 2] by Evan Dorkin. ”If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and that David Coperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.’ [via Venusberg]
August 9, 2001
[wtf?] Okay, Swingin’ Chicks of the ’60’s — spot the odd one out: Angie Dickinson, Marianne Faithfull, Sharon Tate and…. Truman Capote?! ‘…in that same book Truman also declares what should be inscribed on his tombstone, “an excuse, a phrase I use about almost any commitment: I TRIED TO GET OUT OF IT, BUT I COULDN’T.”‘
July 27, 2001
[politics] Time to reveal my “other” website: Darius Von Daniken Shrubsole says “I’m proud to be a Tory!” ‘If you are a conservative and you like my page, maybe we can be friends! Why not email me with your personal details. We can correspond about anything – I’m interested in more than politics. I like listening to Music (particularly Radio 2) and shopping for fashionable clothes at the Lakeside Shopping Center, which also has some marvellous architectural features. Of course I’ll only respond if you are voting for William on June 7th!.’ [via Clog]
July 26, 2001
[intersection] I Am Jack’s Younger Self — the unmistakable connection between Fight Club and Calvin and Hobbes‘Within the safety of the panel, Calvin is perpetually eight years old, terrible things can never happen, and no matter how crazy a stunt he pulls, everything always returns to status quo. Because of this, our hero is free to do as he wishes, free to chase his dreams as wildly as he desires, never having to worry about tomorrow because there essentially will never BE one — unless it’s part of a continuing storyline. This makes the reality of Fight Club all the bleaker, because it depicts what happens when you take someone weaned on dreams and limitless possibilities and jam him into a cramped cage confined by rules and regulations’ [via Metafilter]
July 20, 2001
[politics] A On-line Petition: To Mr Big, Please make Lord Archer your Bitch. ‘Who’s the Daddy Now?’ [via Haddock]
July 19, 2001
[web] 20 Questions Ask Jeeves Can’t Answer. ‘Who’s your daddy?’
July 11, 2001
[wtf?!] Evil Edna’s Top Ten Heart-Warming Moments “3. An atheist sees God in a burning bush. Dragging him to safety, the atheist is given the greatest gift of all…. faith.”

Basil Brush’s Top Twenty-six Ways to Die ’16. Clive Barker’s favourite, having snakes made from a lunatic’s shit animated by an evil magician and invading your every orifice. Let’s hear it for Clive Barker, eh? 17. That magic flesh eating bacteria (nature beats Clive Barker).’ [via Seethru]
July 3, 2001
[tv] Adam and Joe’s list of very Bad Things. ‘3. Making toast or tea in the ad break only to find, as the show starts again, you hadn’t plugged in the toaster/kettle.’
July 1, 2001
[distraction] Bod and Star Wars collide…. Here Comes Darth. [via Bugpowder]
June 22, 2001
[web] NTK does Popbitch…. ‘And finally – from anonymity to immortality: word is it’s “extremely unlikey” that, after a successful stint in a B-list boy-band, both JAMES BULGER murderers plan to pursue careers as light entertainment presenters in children’s TV. “Friends Like These” might never be the same again’
June 21, 2001
[blog different] Two-fisted blogging cock tales… Swish Cottage‘Yes, in laymen’s terms, I had broken my cock.’ Vs. Nick “Torsion of the Testicle” Jordan‘I woke in agony; it felt as though someone had kicked me very hard in the gonads. Perhaps I’d somehow managed to catch myself while I slept, I thought, so I waited for the pain to subside as it normally would. It didn’t. In fact, if anything, it grew worse. Now somewhat concerned, I examined myself, but could detect nothing obvious. My calls for assistance were heard by my mother who came into the room to ask what all the fuss was about. “My balls!” I cried.’ [Related: Meg responds earlier]
June 9, 2001
[football] Manchester United Are Best Ever! ‘My Name is KOK kokweeuk’.
June 7, 2001

Anne Widdecombe: Vote Labour... or next time shes naked.

[via Wherever You Are. Cheers!]
June 3, 2001
[crime] WMOB — The Wiretap Network. FBI Wiretaps of Mafia gangsters… Frank and Fritzy. Life imitates the Sopranos. ‘FRITZY: I eat yogurt about 10 o’clock, ’cause I didn’t eat all day from 2 o’clock. So I says, “I’ll have a little yogurt.” Then it had raisins and nuts. FRANK: I thought you don’t eat raisins. FRITZY: It was inside the damn yogurt. FRANK: What’d ya tell me about raisins? FRITZY: Yeah, what I tell you? They were in there, alright? So anyhow, so I, I downed it and five minutes after, I started fucking itching around the balls, you know?’ [via Follow Me Here]
May 31, 2001
[celebrity] A Tribute to Danniella Westbrook in GIF. [Originally posted on tsluts] (more…)
May 30, 2001
[distraction] Freak Watcher’s TextbookIron Mike: ‘The one redeeming quality of the Iron Mike is, despite continual hangovers, he keeps a steady stream of low-paying temporary jobs that he gets from Labor-Ready — an employment agency for the unemployable. None of these positions are particularly desirable, but he makes do. The alcohol helps. With no retirement pay to look forward to, the Iron Mike generally wills himself to die on his 55th birthday. How this is accomplished is a mystery, but it often involves drugs, Mexican strippers and a goat.’
May 21, 2001
[politics] What They Would Rather Say In This Already Horrendous Campaign. ‘Twat. Fucking Cunt. Shithead.’ [via AngryBlog]
May 20, 2001
[distractions] The C Team. ‘In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire The Conservative Party.’ [via Tajmahal]
May 18, 2001
[blog] Dan asks the questions other blogs shy away from: ‘Have you ever wanted to shove a glass rod right up Nick Jordan’s cock?’ [Related: Nick’s Posting]
May 16, 2001
[falling knob?] Urban Myth — Does C3PO have a “oversized penis” on A Star Wars trading card? ‘The current theory is that at the exact instant the photo was snapped, a piece fell off the Threepio costume, and just happened to line up in such a way as to suggest a bawdy image. The original contact sheets from the photo-shoot attests to this. They are not retouched in any way, yet still contain the same image.’ [via Fark]
May 12, 2001
[distractions] Comedy MP3… Craig David Vs Bagpuss. [via NTK]
May 7, 2001
[the joy of stats] Why I Will Never Have A Girlfriend. ‘…. I, for one, refuse to spend my life brooding over my lack of luck with women. While I’ll be the first to admit that my chances of ever entering into a meaningful relationship with someone special are practically non-existent, I staunchly refuse to admit that it has anything to do with some inherent problem with me. Instead, I am convinced that the situation can be readily explained in purely scientific terms, using nothing more than demographics and some elementary statistical calculus.’
May 4, 2001
[distractions] You are… The Surrealist Link. ‘You are the most gutless cassock. Goodbye!’
April 30, 2001
[distractions] I don’t want to turn LMG into That’s Life but here’s a really rude bus….* * The WPA has struck. You can tell can’t you? I’m even linking to “odd odes” by Cyril Fletcher….
March 28, 2001
[politics] As the UK elections approach it’s important to know which party the major cartoon characters are supporting. (By the way, Porky the Pig was slaughtered and burned earlier this week… so I suspect he’s not supporting Nick Brown any longer.) [thanks to Marcia]
March 24, 2001
[collectibles] The Onion reports that Everything In Entire World Now Collectible. ‘Rarity, once a prerequisite for an item to have collector’s value, is no longer relevant. An early sign of this shift occurred in the early ’90s, when Marvel Comics encouraged fans to pre-order multiple copies of the much-hyped “Todd McFarlane’s Spider-Man #1” because of the book’s anticipated collector’s value. The issue sold more copies than any comic book in history, but fans still hoarded multiple copies in special dust-proof Mylar bags, in part because of its unique status as the least rare comic book ever. “Rarity is nothing. Do you have any idea how many Beanie Babies are out there?” asked Barbara Mason, editor of Beanie Baby Illustrated. “Let’s put it this way: There are approximately twice as many Scoop The Pelican Beanie Babies on the planet Earth than there are actual pelicans. And they’re worth more, too.”‘
March 22, 2001
[distraction] If you want a serious laugh check out… Cliff Yablonski Hates You. ‘jesus christ, you whiny little bitches need to go out and get a life for gods sake. all I get is “WAH, CLIFF, UPDATE YOUR PAGE, IM TIRED OF JACKING OFF TO THE ABC NEWS ALL DAY, WAH, UPDATE YOUR PAGE.” fuck you all. I hate you. Ive updated my fucking page, so shut the hell up you mongrel bastards.’
March 15, 2001
[world domination] Starbucks To Begin Sinister ‘Phase Two’ Of Operation. ‘Though the coffee chain’s specific plans are not known, existing Starbucks franchises across the nation have been locked down with titanium shutters across all windows. In each coffee shop’s door hangs the familiar Starbucks logo, slightly altered to present the familiar mermaid figure as a cyclopean mermaid whose all-seeing eye forms the apex of a world-spanning pyramid. Those living near one of the closed Starbucks outlets have reported strange glowing mists, howling and/or cowering on the part of dogs that pass by, and electromagnetic effects that cause haunting, unearthly images to appear on TV and computer screens within a one-mile radius. Experts have few theories as to what may be causing the low-frequency rumblings, half-glimpsed flashes of light, and periodic electronic beeps emanating from the once-busy shops.’
[credit] Finally, the homepage of the amazingly rude tube map which I saw on Usenet a few months ago… [via tsluts]
March 13, 2001
[crippled emotional needs] My email .sig circa 1994: ‘My every path is shrewn with cowpats from the devils own satanic herd.’ — Edmund Blackadder.
March 6, 2001
[comics] Chick Comic Theater does some amusing analysis of Jack Chick’s best work: Don’t Try Suicide, What Do You Expect In A Town called Sodom?, Rock Music…Inside Satan’s Boombox, Dungeons and Dragons…Geeky Pastime, or Gateway to Hell? ‘…if I’m not mistaken, that demon on the right side of the bed is whacking off! I feel sorry for Lance’s Mom. Not only does she have to discover her dead son swinging like a Pinata, but she’s got to clean up the unholy demon spew from his bed, too.’ [via Venusberg]
March 2, 2001
[a-team] Mr. T vs George W. Bush. For no reason at all… the voiceover on the opening credits of the A-Team… ‘In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.’ [via GLITTERDAMMERUNG!]
February 27, 2001
[soap] Frank Butcher’s Philosophical Car Lot has a fine selection of Frank’s Criminal Records… including the classic My Name is… Frank Butcher and Pat n’ Peg ‘You Bitch! You Cow!’
February 26, 2001

February 19, 2001
[fantasy tv] Ali G interviews Optimus Prime ‘Is that why this fight started then, because Galva-whatsit called your mum a slag?’
[sex toy] The Furby Hooker Network‘Furby Hookers can communicate with each other! Through infra-red “eyes” they can transmit messages to one another. This means that if you’re good in bed, all the Furby Hookers in the neighborhood will know it. THEY’LL BE FLOCKING TO YOUR DOOR WANTING TO SLEEP WITH YOU!’
February 3, 2001
[cock] Flame of the week over at the Register: ‘And quit writing the word “cock” on every page of the register! It makes you sound like peanut eating jizz mopers! It’s bad enough that you write about lesbian disabled porn in between mastubatory frenzies, but having cock thrust upon each page is disgusting!’