linkmachinego.com

November 6, 2000
[mobiles] Nishlord provides an exciting new service for self-important people with mobile phones. NISHLORD.COM’s WAP (or whatever the fuck it’s called this week) service is different. It actually gives mobile phone users the information they need – a constant reminder of what an annoying cunt they really are. Whenever the moment arises, a vital message informing you that no-one, absolutely no-one, is the slightest bit interested in what you have to say, ever, will flash up.’ [via Meg— sorta]
October 28, 2000
[tv] Blue Peter and Hunter S. Thompson. Stand back. Do not not mix. ‘…who is this, for Christ sakes? Fucker calls himself Groom. Looks like I’m minding the fucking baby today, I figure, well, may as well keep any possible conflict down to a minimum, after all I’m desperate enough to take this faggot job in the first place, I can’t afford another fuck up. Straight away, while the Freak’s talking some crap at me, I notice this damn idiot child badge on his fucking nylon shirt. I don’t like to ask what kind of freakin’ remedial school talisman that is. Probably just some warning badge for the good honest middle class folks to know to KEEP THE FUCK AWAY, MENTALLY DEFICIENT GIANT FREAK APPROACHING. One look back up to his dead-ass eyes. I shiver, and it ain’t the half dozen ‘Ludes I’d picked up in St. Paul’s the moment I came to this damn limey wasteland to steady my nerves. There’s evil in this bitch, I would swear on my fucking mother’s life.’
October 26, 2000
[politics] Picking on ugly people is not funny… unless they are British MP’s. [Related Links: The Ann Widdecombe Shrine]
October 25, 2000
[file under WTF?] Came here searching for Scooby Porn? Check it out… LMG has high quality Buffy / Scooby-Doo fan-fiction porn links just for you! ‘Velma grinned at Daphne as she pulled her close for a kiss. Daphne wrapped her arms around Velma’s neck and moaned. Velma moved her kisses down to Daphne’s breasts as Daphne’s right hand moved between her legs to caress her clit. Velma moaned and opened her mouth to enclose Daphne’s breast. With her left hand, Daphne reached for the jar of peaches on the nightstand. She removed her hand long enough to open the jar, and Velma whimpered at her loss. Buffy turned to see Xander completely engrossed in the video. Funny, but watching naked cartoons roll around in bed together had given him an erection.’ [Related Links: Disturbing Search Requests]
October 23, 2000
[overheard] “I’ve seen bigger breasts on a pizza.” WTF?
[swearing] How to swear in foreign languages ‘No Skuche ala Gats!’ [via Bugpowder]
October 11, 2000
[music] I Hate Music on Radiohead’s Kid A: ‘Some of you readers may have noticed that Radiohead have got a new record coming out. Goodness knows how, there’s barely been a mention of it on the web or in the music press after all. Oh, wait, excuse me while I utter a weak consumptive laugh and spit bloody bile into a handkerchief. Judging by the ever-growing shitstorm of expectations and expectorations around Kid Arse, you’d have thought a second moon had been seen in the sky and Thom Yorke, pinch-faced poster boy for self-pitying prigs the world over, had been the first man to walk on it.’
October 5, 2000
[saville] Jimmy Saville is Dead — according to Chris Morris. [Requires Sound] ‘The majority if not all of them are extremely relieved that he is now dead although I suspect that some of them will be sorry that he didn’t suffer a great deal more.’ [Related Links: rethink’s Chris Morris Guff]
October 3, 2000
[mugshots] The G-Files present a Celebrity Mug Shot Gallery‘Like anyone else charged with a crime, celebrities must be photographed by police after being arrested, and those images then become a matter of public record.’
September 28, 2000
[jack chick] This Was Your Life! Vs. This Is Your Death. [Related Links: Chick Publications, Jack T. Chick Parody Archive]
September 25, 2000
[frank Butcher mp3] This made my day: My Name is… Frank Butcher! [via Bloglet, Related Link: Frank Butcher’s Philosophical Car Lot]
September 19, 2000
[net] Guardian Unlimited covers the paratrooper who was sacked for looking at too many dull websites. ‘Jim was dismissed by his employers for excessive use of the internet when he was supposed to be working. Our best point is that Jim, unlike I suspect most bored surfers, was not looking at hotchicks.com or pussytown.com or any other sort of porn. Jim was looking at some very dull stuff. I’ve seen the logs. Jim spent over an hour looking at avocado recipes on one occasion. At other times he conducted searches on: his mother’s maiden name, various cricket players [and] verrucas.’
September 16, 2000
[weblogs] Linus, Bill and Steve have an amusing Newbie Blog ChatBillGates34: My blog is named Blog O’ Bill, in case you guys wanna link me. It’s an acronym…..B.O.B. ….it spells Bob. A guy’s name. Cool, eh? SteveJobsMac: Um….yeah, Einstein. Real cool. Except that your name isn’t Bob. Correct me if I’m wrong. BillGates34: Sheeesh…it’s just a joke. Lighten up, dude. Hey…what browsers do you guys use? I use IE :) LinusTorvalds69: DUH!! SteveJobsMac: DUH!!’
September 13, 2000
[referer log] Looking for Charlie Dimmock naked? I can’t help you… but the BBC does has some naked Gardeners’ Question Time action right here
September 9, 2000
[adrian mole redux] Must…. not…. blog… Adrian Mole‘It’s time I found a sexual partner: a non-neurotic, childless, non-smoking, beautiful woman who enjoys literature, spotting Eddie Stobart lorries and housework would be ideal. Is it too much to ask that I should be allowed a little happiness?’
September 6, 2000
[i have a cunning plan…] BBC News reports on a film about a sneaky Argentine filmaker who visits the Falklands Islands whilst trying to impregnate as many locals as possible in a inspired mission to retake the islands by love not war… the film is course called Fuckland. ‘So how hard would it be for another Argentine to find a date on the island? Las chicas en la isla no abundan, he says on the Web site, meaning that there’s not exactly a cornucopia of willing girls to begin with, and that the British military base there holds about 1,000 troops. ‘It’s terrible when you consider your competition,” Stratas says. Now you’re warned.’ [Related Link: Covert Operations in the Falklands: No Guns, Just Three Digital Cameras ]
September 2, 2000
[funny] Things that made me laugh recently: Unnovations Baker’s Hat, Scooter Health Warning, O’Really Userguides [all three via NTK], and A Moving Tribute to Joey Deacon [via notsosoft]
August 31, 2000
[chris morris] Second Class Male and Time To Go. Hoax columns published in The Observer about a year ago from Chris Morris. ‘Not for publication: You have made me too depressed to write. Unlike the great melancholics – Baudelaire, Beethoven – I have no genius from which to draw consolation. I am at best a Brian Wilson, but a Brian Wilson who went to bed before making Pet Sounds. Fuck you all.’
August 30, 2000
[saville] plasticbag.org covers the the whole Saville hoax transcript meme[#1] [#2] ‘Anyway. Such a document is clearly legally dubious at best, and since there is no evidence attached to the e-mail, it would seem logical to try to assume that it is entirely spurious as well. (In which case, of course, you would be talking vast potential libel damages.) But the strange thing about this particular meme is that most people who received the letter in question (including me – and I consider to be extremely cynical about chain e-mail) thought it to be at least plausible.’ [Interesting fact: If you type “Saville Hoax” into Google the first item you get up is a directory entry on Chris Morris. Hmmm….]
August 27, 2000
[savile meme hoax] Excellent, compelling reading — a HOAX transcript of out-takes from Have I Got News For You between Ian Hislop, Jimmy Savile and Paul Merton. If only it were true… [Related Links: Hoax Confirmation, Tsluts, the Savile meme spreads]
August 26, 2000
[adrian mole] Adrian Mole on Nick Bateman: ‘I have been brutally betrayed! I feel humiliated and sick! How could he have told such terrible lies to me over the past five weeks? I admired him so much. He was the type of man I would have liked to have been myself. He was a man who could cope with adversity (the death of his young wife in a car crash). A man who led other men (an officer in the Territorial Army). He was also a healer (like Jesus), and a reiki master to boot.’
August 25, 2000
[america] Oh dear… Polly Toynbee gets a shower of Hate mail from the US‘You are nothing but an intolerant American-hating bigot. You can’t stand the fact that America is so rich and powerful while you live in a pathetic third-rate country that is of no significance at all. I see no reason why America should pay any attention to the whining, pissing, shitting, moaning and groaning of a bunch of idiots like you. The rest of the world has no right to expect us to share our wealth with it. It is our money, not the world’s. Bush will win in November. I hope when he wins you have a stroke and it kills you and all your fellow Eurotrash die from shock as well. America Uber Alles! Fuck the world!!’
August 23, 2000
[jesus loves you] Good Lord! Christian sandals with Jesus Loves You written on the soles! “As I was thinking of more ways to reinforce goodness, God instructed me to cut out an old inner tube and glue the letters SUSEJ SEVOL UOY backwards onto the bottoms of sandals. When I was finished, it was raining. I walked outside and up onto a dry wooden deck and left JESUS LOVES YOU all over the deck. It was awesome, and I knew this was a wonderful new way to spread the good news.” [via ChrisH]
August 22, 2000
[chegwin porn!] My referrer logs tell me that many people come to LMG to look for naked pictures of Keith Chegwin… which always makes me laugh. Apparently he’s refusing all requests to show clips from the gameshow he appeared nude in again and according to BBC News a video of the program is about to be released which he will make a hefty profit from. LMG will link to the video as soon as it’s available. :) [Related Links: Channel 5 criticised in Commons, Original LMG posting, Original notsosoft posting]
August 21, 2000
[god is dead] Guardian Passnotes profiles Friedrich Nietzsche. ‘Didn’t he love his fellow man? No: “Many too many are born. The state was devised for the superfluous ones.” Didn’t he regard women highly? No: “Goest thou to woman? Forget not thy whip.”‘
August 13, 2000
[adrian mole] Adrian Mole is the best thing about the Guardian on a Saturday… ‘Ivan went on saying to my mother, “This is an authentic working-class experience, isn’t it, Pauline?” His eyes were shining with excitement. He is turned on by vulgarity. It is why he fell in love and married my mother. My mother drew heavily on her St Moritz menthol fag with the gold-rimmed filter and said, “Ivan, I’m no longer working class. I read the Guardian and buy coffee beans now, or hadn’t you noticed?”‘
August 10, 2000
[young william] A Guardian reporter follows in William Hague’s footsteps around Rotherham attempting to drink 14 pints in the process. Not surprisingly he gets a little drunk… ‘”He was in my class at Wath Comprehensive and he was a prat even then,” says Sharon, when the incredulous laughter finally subsides. “A prat. The first week of school, he stood in front of the class – nobody else did this – and his mum was standing beside him, and he said, ‘I would like to introduce myself. My name is William Hague and I’m looking forward to being at school with you all.’ I never slept with him,” she adds, as if it would have been only natural to have wondered. “He’s trying to be a Rotherham man,” says Liz, “and all Rotherham men drink a lot.” It is becoming increasingly clear that I’m never going to pass for a Rotherham man.’
[my inner child] The Law of Playground is one of those sites you can spend all day looking at… ‘”I’m watching a series of programmes on bullying on the BBC2 learning zone, and I feel really fucking bad. People hang themselves about the stuff we laugh at, for god’s sake!’
August 8, 2000
[simpsons] The Interactive Ralph Wiggum ‘”I saw Principle Skinner and Ms. Hover in the closet making babies, and I saw the baby and it looked at me”‘
August 7, 2000
[distortion] Phony Blair — amazing 3D distortion of Tony Blair, requires Pulse Player. [thanks to Yungee]
August 2, 2000
[gonzo] Hunter S. Thompson shoots assistant whilst chasing bear off his property. Here’s a link to the Guardian’s Passnote on the matter. ‘”First, never hesitate to use force, and second, abuse your credit card for all its worth.” (Thompson’s rules for a good life.)’
July 28, 2000
[orgy] Hacker’s orgy — fails because nobody shows up… ‘Only two people showed up, and now the would-be Dionysus is trying to recoup some of his costs by selling the shirts for $15 each. In retrospect, he realizes the orgy was probably a bad idea from its conception. “The idea came out of a conversation on IRC [Internet Relay Chat],” he says. “We were bitching about how hackers never get laid.” Even at an orgy.’ [via Guardian Weblog]
July 26, 2000
[comics] Jesus: The Dark Messiah Returns. Fantastic… ‘The water on my head feels like a baptism. Because it is. I’m born again. Again.’
July 25, 2000
[star wars] Star Dudes: The Bad Dudes Strike Back
July 10, 2000
[tv] What will happen to The Philisophical Car Lot if Frank Butcher leaves Eastenders? G-g-g-g-go!!
July 3, 2000
[norfolk] Nothing interesting ever happens in Norfolk. “The women then began to strip off to distract them further, and the men escaped to their faded red Ford Granada, before trying to run the villagers down. One villager smashed a window of the car, and the raiders fled before the police arrived.”
June 17, 2000
[uk/us] American Xenophobes’ Guide to the British Great Britain is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Millennium Dome and the Diana Museum and the Millennium Dome. Among its contributions to Western civilisation are Mrs Thatcher, mad cow disease and beer. [via Nutlog]
June 14, 2000
[BOFH] Who wants to marry a SysAdmin? “There’s no time to waste. We’re all getting fatter and paler by the second. Hook up now before we can’t keep track of our processes anymore and our hair forks all to hell.” [via Just Daz]
May 18, 2000
[mp3] Two amusing links: Kid Rock starves to death – MP3 piracy blamed. Metallica’s new CD [both via Metafilter]
May 16, 2000
[anarchy] Seen on the tube today — the wisdom of Eric Cartman: “Capitalism sucks ass!” and Moon at the Monarchy 2000.
May 2, 2000
[weblogs / tech] WinerLog — very funny if you visit Dave Winer’s Scripting News. Speaking of disconnects, I got an email from Dave Userland support. It begins “We’d like to stop hosting winerlog.” Weird. We’d say, “Sure Dave, whatever you want, because we love you!!!!!!!”
April 24, 2000
[funny] TVGoHome is pretty much the funniest thing on the web. Even its submissions guidelines are amusing: “We run very few listings whose title is a weak and obvious pun on an existing show: i.e. Changing Wombs, Ainsley’s Big Cock Out, Blind Rape, Scooby Poo, etc etc.”
April 16, 2000
It’s been a “Whassup?” kind of weekend: Star Wars Wassup [via Camworld]
April 15, 2000
[funny] South Park Wassup? [Via Ghost in the Machine]
[funny] Superfriends Whassup?
April 7, 2000
[BOFH] The BOFH interpretation skills test. Which side are you on?
April 3, 2000
[funny] Report from The Onion: New E-Toilet To Revolutionize On-Line Shitting. “In the near future everyone will shit on-line.”
March 20, 2000
Ralph Wiggum: “Help! She’s touching my special area!”
March 10, 2000
New book from O’Reilly: Tactical Systems Administration

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