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October 28, 2013
[funny] Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested … more from The Onion …

Hamilton made the call to police at approximately 7:30 p.m., when she discovered that the bearded cable repairman she had let into her apartment was actually Marzano in disguise.

“Thank God he’s in custody, and this nightmarish ordeal is finally over,” said Hamilton, a single mother struggling to raise an adorable, towheaded boy all alone in the big city. “I repeatedly told him I wasn’t interested, but he just kept resorting to crazier and crazier schemes to make me fall in love with him.”

October 24, 2013
[funny] Lost Wormhole‘Do not attempt capture because you’ll totally screw with the Space/Time Continuum Bro.’

Lost Wormhole

October 23, 2013
[science] Science For The Epic Motherfreaking Win… a profound meditation on the glory of science … ‘Science… fuck yeah. The cool part about learning science on Facebook is that they use pictures and the words aren’t very big and you get to browse Facebook the entire time. Plus, the swearing. You can’t swear in school which is bullshit. I think I would like school a lot more if it was compacted down into meme format. Like instead of summer reading we could just look at like 10 to 20 different memes a day. Neil deGrasse Tyson for the motherepic shit win.’
October 14, 2013
[funny] Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News … more from The Onion … ‘Sources confirmed that Petrillo makes no effort whatsoever to conceal his insatiable desire for self-inflicted torment, going so far as to take pride in his familiarity with issues such as America’s distribution of wealth, the latest jobs report, what’s happening in Congress recently, and the nation’s current incarceration rate. In fact, he is reportedly not content with simple masochism, and often spreads the anguish of his knowledge to his fellow citizens. “Whenever I come across an interesting article online, I like to email it to my friends and try to get a conversation going,” said Petrillo, his voice betraying no shame.’
October 10, 2013
[funny] Royal Mail Privatisation: New ‘While You Were Out’ Card Issued‘Could not be delivered earlier: Because even Magaret Thatcher thought it was bonkers.’

Post Office Privatisation While You Were Out Spoof Card

[movies] Classic Movie Quotes Updated For The Digital Age‘SAY TWERK AGAIN’
October 7, 2013
[comics] Quincy, M.E. … great spoof comic cover by Michael Kupperman

Quincy M.E. Comic Cover

September 13, 2013
[funny] Instasham‘Make a funny face or something you little shit.’

Pandyland: Instasham

September 2, 2013
[funny] A Cartoon Guide To Shark Anatomy

Shark Anatomy

August 29, 2013
[people] Ask Ayn Rand … John Hodgman rediscovers long-lost Ayn Rand magazine columns from 1980 …

My moral philosophy is founded on the idea that there is an objective reality, and that man’s senses can perceive this objective reality. This faculty, which is man’s reason, is paramount above all else. He takes for evidence only his own experience, his own judgment, and that is why I do not hesitate to say, objectively, definitively, that “Caddyshack” is the year’s best movie.

Rodney Dangerfield plays a self-made man who is not ashamed of his ambition, who does not apologize for his success, and who gets excitement from the joyful reality that we are all going to get laid if we are willing to be productively selfish and to stop coddling the weak. In other movie news, I did not like how easily the boy escaped Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.” I have solved all the hedge mazes in the United States and Europe, and I can tell you they are not that complicated.

August 23, 2013
[batman] Wondermark: A Knight is Technically an Aristocrat‘I want to dress in a bat costume and punch individual muggers.’

Wondermark on Batman

August 22, 2013
[funny] BREAKING NEWS: Guardian ordered to destroy bourgeois lifestyle articles‘The Guardian has destroyed nauseatingly middle-class articles about garden furniture and teenagers failing to get a place at Oxford. Ministers said it was in the national interest to destroy the articles as they make the UK a target for radical anti-narcissism groups.’
August 21, 2013
[funny] Father Teaches Son How To Fly Into Rage Over Completely Inconsequential Bullshit … The Onion on a heart-warming father/son relationship … ‘In an effort to help guide his son’s development, Dalton explained that he consistently tries to embody the qualities of irritability, hostility, and bitterness in his daily life, emphasizing to his fourth-grade son the importance of letting his annoyance over an inconsequential matter develop into a lingering, biting resentment that makes others feel uncomfortable to be near him. In addition, the 42-year-old market researcher said that he has been making a concerted effort of late to show his boy how to obsess over such ultimately trifling things as a driver going too slow in the left lane or a person who is slightly holding up a line, and to interpret these incidents as if they were significant, deliberate personal slights.’
August 15, 2013
[funny] Pharmacy Fail

Pharmacy Fail

August 8, 2013
[wikipedia] Wikipedia:Terminal Event Management Policy … Wikipedia’s amusing protocol for saving the encyclopedia’s data in the event of an apocalypse … ‘Following the implementation of the level 2 warning, editors are expected to commence the transfer of the encyclopedia to other media. As an immediate measure, it is suggested that editors print as many articles as possible, with due regard to any personal safety concerns that may be faced in these extraordinary events.’
July 24, 2013
[comics] Comics Are Educational, Part One: How to Kill Juggling Nazis‘Yes, Kurt, you are good at juggling apples… But how good are you at juggling — A… A GRENADE?!’
July 16, 2013
[politics] The 10 Most Scandalous Euphemisms … a list of catchphrases generated by political scandals … ‘Hiking the Appalachian Trail – When South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared for six days in 2009, his aides told reporters he had gone for a walking holiday along the US’s most celebrated hiking route. In fact, it soon transpired Sanford had been with his Argentine mistress in Buenos Aires. The phrase quickly ignited the imaginations of the press corps.’
July 12, 2013
[life] Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard … The Onion reports on dealing with Anxiety …

“The key to beating anxiety is to let yourself become totally consumed with intrusive, irrational thoughts until you actually raise your pulse and blood pressure,” said assistant researcher Dana Kelley, who said that blinding stress headaches were a crucial indicator that one’s anxious feelings were disappearing. “If you can get to a point where you legitimately feel short of breath and begin to perceptibly tremble, that means you’re progressing. In fact, the more tense your neck and shoulders are, the closer you are to moving past your anxiety altogether.”

July 5, 2013
[funny] Windows 95 Tips, Tricks, and Tweaks … Screenshot Showing Typical Windows 95 Desktop Icons:

Typical Windows 95 Desktop Icons

June 14, 2013
[fun] Ed Balls Teaches Typing … old-school web fun with Ed Balls.
June 12, 2013
[lovecraft] Lovecraft Actually Move Poster … by *DrFaustusAU on deviantART

Lovecraft Actually - Very Cosmic, Very Horror.

June 10, 2013
[funny] Man On Cusp Of Having Fun Suddenly Remembers Every Single One Of His Responsibilities … more from the Onion

Platt, who reportedly sunk into a distracted haze after coming to the razor’s edge of experiencing genuine joy, fully intended to go through the motions of talking with friends and appearing to have a good time, all while he mentally shopped for a birthday present for his mother, wracked his brain to remember if he had turned in the itemized reimbursement form from his New York trip to HR on time, and made a silent note to call his bank about a mysterious recurring $19 monthly fee that he had recently discovered on his credit card statement.

“Everything’s fine,” said the tense, mentally absent man whose girlfriend asked him what was wrong after his near-giddy buzz vanished and he remembered that he hadn’t called his aunt yet to check up on her after her surgery. “I’m having fun.”

June 5, 2013
[life] 7 Habits of Highly Successful People’5. Polo’
June 4, 2013
[comics] Silver Age Superman – An Early Pick-up Artist? … Is Superman using his powers to neg Lois?

Superman / Lois / Super Dickery

May 30, 2013
[politics] The Conservative Party Insult Generator … from The Poke‘Mad Loon, Unwashed.’
May 23, 2013
[life] Technically…

Is A Glass Always Full?

May 20, 2013
[bond] His Name Is James Bond … a Youtube video adding some very funny lyrics to the James Bond theme … ‘Because I’m suave it’s okay for me to act like a prick.’
May 16, 2013
[books] Funny Reviews Of Mr Men Books On Amazon‘In his third work, Mr Happy, Hargreaves takes us on a Jungian journey to the integrated self. The story starts by introducing us to the supposedly perfect life that our eponymous hero appears to live – the tranquilized bliss and counterfeit euphoria of Happyland. Yet what is it that leads Mr Happy to wander away from an existence that, if truly flawless, should suffice to satisfy and sustain him? Why this need to venture deep into the mysterious unknown of the forest? To open a door in a tree-trunk and descend a staircase beneath the ground to the deepest recesses of the unconscious?’
May 7, 2013
[funny] I Lived With John Humphrys – He Was a Nightmare‘He used to sit me down and make me watch Fort Boyard. “Look at her,” he said, pointing at Melinda Messenger. “Have you seen such a thing? She has eleven O-Levels.” And then his breathing went all funny.’
May 3, 2013
[web] After Checking Your Bank Account, Remember To Log Out, Close The Web Browser, And Throw Your Computer Into The Ocean … some good computer security advice from Chase Bank … ‘If you’re using a publicly shared computer at a library, for example, additional precautions are required. Before logging in, raid the library’s artifact collection and grab the sharpest object inside—a sword, bayonet, or antique letter opener will do. Then repeatedly stab everyone who’s in the building, preferably in the neck, as you never know which one of them might look over your shoulder while you’re online. Once they’re incapacitated and bleeding out, simply hop on the computer for your session…’
May 2, 2013
[tv] Law & Order’s Fakest Websites … great supercut of all the fake websites used on Law and Order … ‘Laffy Time Kids Club – a magical land of fun, games and sexual assault.’
April 23, 2013
[blogs] Ms. Attribution … a tumblr that mixes up historical figures with quotes and song lyrics …

False Ted Bundy Quote

April 22, 2013
[comics] Letters of Note: The Rejection Slip … a fantastic series of correspondence from Mad Magazine and a contributor in 1963.
April 15, 2013
[people] Noel Edmonds Biography Condensed

Excerpt from Noel Edmonds Biography

April 2, 2013
[funny] Dalek Relaxation Tape … according to Peter Serafinowicz the Dalek’s have recently released a new-age relaxation tape … ‘YOUR TENSION HAS BEEN EXTERMINATED! EXTERMINATED!’ [via Feeling Listless]
March 31, 2013
[scary] 25 Scary Easter Bunnies Of The Past

Scary Easter Bunny

March 27, 2013
[funny] The Venn Diagram of Irrational Nonsense‘In my gross over simplification the vast majority of the multitude of evidenced-free beliefs at large in the world can be crudely classified into four basic sets or bollocks. Namely, Religion, Quackery, Pseudoscience and the Paranormal.’
March 26, 2013
[books] Meanwhile, in Islington Waterstones… ‘Horror’
March 18, 2013
[funny] How To Get Coments On Your Posts‘My post included cute animals, Chuck Norris, open source software, bacon, Ron Paul, the recession, epic failures, cynicism, Apple and a FREAKING NARWHAL!!!’
March 7, 2013
[funny] The Rules Of The Pool by John Allison

The Rules Of The Pool

February 27, 2013
[blogs] Scarfolk Council … Voted England’s creepiest blog in 1978 … ‘Scarfolk is a town in North West England that did not progress beyond 1979. Instead, the entire decade of the 1970s loops ad infinitum. Here in Scarfolk, pagan rituals blend seamlessly with science; hauntology is a compulsory subject at school, and everyone must be in bed by 8pm because they are perpetually running a slight fever.’

Sing-A-Long IRA Telephone Bomb Threats

February 26, 2013
[guardian] A Comment Generator For The Guardian‘Collecting my oak-smoked Salmon and dry-cured Trout direct from the smokehouse led me to a fascinating chat with the proprietor this afternoon. Quinoa is great in a packed lunch but it doesn’t keep Quentin full for his after-school amateur dramatics. We should all go back to living in communes like they did in Sweden in the 70s!’
February 12, 2013
[valentines] The Perfect Valentines Gift: pre-arrange a funeral for yourself and your partner …

Valentines Advert For Pre-Arranged Funeral

January 29, 2013
[funny] Bad Kids Jokes … amusing collection of nonsensical jokes from children … ‘Why did the cow jump over the moon? Because he wanted to poo all over the moon.’
January 28, 2013
[funny] Get Insulted By Martin Luther‘We leave you to your own devices, for nothing properly suits you except hypocrisy, flattery, and lies.’
January 8, 2013
[disease] Charlie Brooker On The Norovirus:

The fascinating pitter-patter of stomach contents against the back of your teeth as a fearsome torrent of spew erupts from within like a liquid poltergeist fleeing an exorcism. The impressive way your backside emits high-pressure jets of hot fluid, like the Hulk squeezing silty boiled water from a Fairy Liquid bottle by clenching it abruptly in his fist. The searing aftermath, as your throat rages as though sandpapered and your anus screams like a scalded button. This is nature in all its raw majesty. Film it in HD, get David Attenborough to record the soundtrack, and you’ve got a Sunday evening treat for millions.’

December 6, 2012
[tv] New Season Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Jumps Forward To Year 2121

“Downton fans around the world will be thrilled with what we have in store for the Crawley offspring and their service drones as they navigate life in the 22nd century,” Fellowes said of the new season, which features eight new episodes and a film-length Christmas special set on a distant vacation crater. “Robert, Earl of Grantham, once saved Downton by marrying the American heiress Cora. Now, new and old worlds collide again as their progeny vie for territory against a proud lineage of space clones who have forcibly invaded the family’s colony.”

November 13, 2012
[war] Pakistani Boy, U.S. Drone Form Unlikely Friendship: ‘An unlikely friendship has developed between a 9-year-old Pakistani boy and a U.S. MQ-1 Predator drone in North Waziristan. “You’d think they would have nothing in common, and yet you see them together all the time, wandering around the countryside hand in wing,” area merchant Siraj Rahmad told reporters…’
November 2, 2012
[funny] Back From Yet Another Globetrotting Adventure, Indiana Jones Checks His Mail And Discovers That His Bid For Tenure Has Been Denied‘Dr. Jones’s behavior on campus has led not only to disciplinary action but also to concerns as to the state of his mental health. In addition to multiple instances of public drunkenness, Dr. Jones, on three separate occasions, has attempted to set fire to the herpetology wing of the biology department. Perhaps most disturbing, however, are the statements that come directly from Dr. Jones’s mouth. Several faculty members maintain that Dr. Jones informed them on multiple occasions of having discovered the Ark of the Covenant, magic diamond rocks, and the Holy Grail!’
November 1, 2012
[life] 30ft effigy of Lance Armstrong wearing a Jim’ll Fix it badge to be burnedBonfire Society members said it was not easy to choose Armstrong, who had all his results from August 1998 removed on the recommendation of the United States Anti-Doping Agency and banned from cycling for life. Society co-ordinator Charles Laver said Savile and hook-handed cleric Abu Hamza were ruled out, as was Chancellor George Osborne for being “a bit boring”.

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