linkmachinego.com

April 30, 2012
[funny] The Only Thing That Can Stop This Asteroid is Your Liberal Arts Degree‘Anyone can learn how to land a spacecraft on a rocky asteroid flying through space at twelve miles per second. I don’t need some pencilneck with four Ph.D’s, one-thousand hours of simulator time, and the ability to operate a robot crane in low-Earth orbit. I need someone with four years of broad-but-humanities-focused studies, three subsequent years in temp jobs, and the ability to reason across multiple areas of study. I need someone who can read The Bell Jar and make strong observations about its representations of mental health and the repression of women. Sure, you’ve never even flown a plane before, but with only ten days until the asteroid hits, there’s no one better to nuke an asteroid.’
April 26, 2012
[politics] Has Jeremy Hunt Resigned Yet?‘Sorry Adam, You’ve Got To Go…”
April 23, 2012
[funny] People Who Don’t Know How to Spell “Cologne”‘I smell like colon.’ [via Waxy]
April 19, 2012
[funny] Only A 30% Chance Of Cthulhu, Say Fracking Experts … disappointing news from the Daily Mash. All Hail Cthulhu!

Roy Hobbs, an engineer with Shell, said: “By my calculations the Shadow Lord Cthulhu currently rests nine leagues deeper than the shale gas so I’m sure it’ll be fine.

“Nevertheless, we have some of the best hooded, eyeless priests in the industry who will be on call 24 hours a day to maintain the sanctity of the work site through a series of incantations and holy artefacts, as well as checking for hard hats and security passes.”

April 5, 2012
[books] What Dr. Seuss Books Were Really About … I have only recently discovered that Dr Seuss was a genius – better late than never!

What Dr Suess Books Were Really About

March 23, 2012
[funny] Adam Buxton Reads Out YouTube Comments For ‘Apple Mac Music Video’

March 19, 2012
[funny] Mary Had A Little Lamb…

Mary Had A Little Lamb... HAD.

March 15, 2012
[stuff] Some links I’ve had in my “ToBlog” list for far too long…

March 13, 2012
[funny] Buying This Thing Will Make Me Happy‘It’s really cool. They just started making it and not many people have one yet. It does all sorts of stuff and can fit in my pocket, but it can also get bigger than that if I want it to. Plus it’s made by a company I trust to put out things that will make me happy.’
February 28, 2012
[web] Dr. Samuel Johnson on Pinterest

February 23, 2012
[books] Alex James’s new memoir proves him to be Britain’s premier cheese bore … an epic take down of Alex James new book by Marina Hyde. Not so much a book review – more a turkey shoot …

James’s fondness for cheese is believed to be a matter of which no one in this earthly sphere is unaware. For a time, it was assumed that there were some remote peoples still untouched by his rennet-based droning, but in that recent aerial footage of the uncontacted Amazon society, the tribe was seen to have arranged a collection of bones and earthenware shards into the words: “PLEASE STOP ALEX JAMES GOING ON ABOUT BLOODY CHEESE.”

February 20, 2012
[dailyfail] Charlie Brooker On The Daily Mail

It’s hard to cheer when a newspaper closes. Even one you’re slightly scared of, like the Daily Mail. Even though the Mail isn’t technically a newspaper, more a serialised Necronomicon. In fact it’s not even printed, but scorched on to parchment by a whispering cacodemon. The Mail can never close. It can only choose to vacate our realm and return to the dominion in which it was forged; a place somewhere between shadow and dusk, beyond time and space, at the dark, howling apex of infinity. London W8 5TT.

Yet despite being a malevolent ink-and-paper succubus that will devour your firstborn – seriously, chuck a baby at a copy of the Mail, and watch as the paper roll its eyes back and swallows it whole – the Mail deserves its voice. At the Leveson inquiry, when seething Daily Mail orchestrator Paul Dacre was quizzed about Jan Moir’s notorious column on the death of Stephen Gateley, he acknowledged that she’d possibly gone too far, but added that he “would die in a ditch” to defend a columnist’s freedom of speech. Whatever you think of Dacre, that’s a brave and noble thing to say, although disappointingly he failed to indicate precisely when he was planning on doing it.

February 7, 2012
[funny] Excerpts From Steamy Romance Novels for Parents of Young Children‘Their eyes met across a landscape of wooden blocks and small cars and plastic dinosaurs that really hurt if you stepped on them at night while getting a child a sippy cup of water. He searched her face for exhaustion, and found it.’
January 23, 2012
[funny] In Which I Fix My Girlfriend’s Grandparents’ WiFi and Am Hailed as a Conquering Hero‘The people did beseech the warrior to aid them. They were a simple people, capable only of rewarding him with gratitude and a larger-than-normal serving of Jell-O salad. The warrior considered the possible battles before him. While others may have shirked the duties, forcing the good people of Ferndale Street to prostrate themselves before the tyrants of Comcast, Linksys, and Geek Squad, the warrior could not chill his heart to these depths. He accepted the quest and strode bravely across the beige shag carpet of the living room…’
January 9, 2012
[comics] Charlie Brooker on Batman: ‘There’s a new Dark Knight film out this year. Calling Batman “the Dark Knight” is like calling Papa Smurf “the Blue Patriarch”: you’re not fooling anyone.’
December 19, 2011
[xmas] All I Want For Christmas…

Rationalist Christmas Card

December 13, 2011
[funny] Go Look: The Most Awkward Family Christmas Photos … Worth visiting if only for photo #20 which is what my nightmares are made of.
December 1, 2011
[press] Honest Daily Mail Clarifications And Corrections

Daily Mail Clarifications & Corrections

November 16, 2011
[comics] Bruce Wayne’s Medical Records‘By far the greatest contributor to patient’s ongoing morbidity are his multiple and seemingly ceaseless musculoskeletal injuries. The most significant of these was sustained several years ago, when he was rushed to GCGH with several fractures of his lumbar vertebrae, reportedly after falling while rappelling. Skeletal series obtained at that time revealed numerous (>20) areas of orthopedic injury in various states of healing, which could not be fully explained by recent fall, including areas of all extremities and many ribs; confirmatory bone scan similarly showed many areas of increased uptake. Patient’s robust stature is not consistent with osteogenesis imperfecta, and skin biopsy was negative for abnormal collagen and P3H1 or CRTAP genetic defects. Malignancy was suspected, but eventually ruled out following oncology consultation. Patient explained most of these (and most subsequent) injuries as being the result of membership in a private and apparently quite intense mixed martial arts club. Patient has denied being the victim of domestic abuse by Mr. Grayson following indirect and direct questioning on numerous occasions.’ [via jwz]
November 11, 2011
[funny] Man Killed To Death

Man Killed To Death

November 2, 2011
[comics] Hark A Vagrant: Tycho

a cartoon about Tycho Brahe

October 20, 2011
[work] Sick Days, Then and Now

Sick Days - Then and Now

October 17, 2011
[amazon] The 10 Best Amazon Reviews Ever … this doesn’t mention Henry Raddick (a fantastic Amazon reviewer who was once interviewed by Andrew Orlowski) so isn’t complete by any means. However, this great review for a container of Wolf Urine compels me to blog it: ‘Even though it has a rather short and crisply defined finish, I still believe this has the composition and acidity to age well in the cellar of any self-respecting urine connoisseur.’
September 28, 2011
[funny] Go Look: A Journalists Guide To Firearms Identification. [via YMFY]
September 21, 2011
[life] Go Look: I Worry A Lot About What The People At The Recycling Center Think Of Me.
August 24, 2011
[funny] Go Look: Herbert West, Data Entry Specialist‘REAL MEN DON’T USE MENUS.’
August 19, 2011
[web] Google’s Official List of Bad Words‘boob, boobs, booobs, boooobs, booooobs, booooooobs, breasts’
August 17, 2011

August 15, 2011
[funny] Ineffective Pick-Up Lines for the Modern Internet Persona‘My Klout score is an 83, which makes me a Thought Leader. There’s a lot of pressure to stay relevant and forward thinking, when you’re that influential. A few sub-par tweets and I could be downgraded to Specialist. I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with being a Specialist… you’re not a Specialist, are you?’
August 10, 2011
[books] Library Sign: I Like Big Books…
August 4, 2011
[funny] Go Look: ‘We Start With The Number Of Children Born To Billionaire Parents Each Year…’ [via Sore Eyes]
July 30, 2011
[funny] Go Look: Due To Physical Violence Shit Faced Mondays Have Been Cancelled.
July 27, 2011
[comics] Alan Moore and Demi Moore

Alan Moore and Demi Moore

July 14, 2011
[dailyfail] Hear Me Wail … Pictures from the Daily Mail of people looking sad while standing next to or holding the thing that has made them sad.
July 12, 2011
[funny] Daily Mash: Rebekah Brooks Must Know Some Serious Shit

As James Murdoch closed the most successful newspaper in the western world rather than sack a devious harpie, experts said that harpie must have some weapons-grade shit up her sleeve.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Jesus fucking Christ, they must have killed a tramp.”

July 8, 2011
[press] Has Rebekah Brooks Been Sacked Yet?‘No’
July 5, 2011
[life] Notes For A Young Gentleman‘A gentleman should never be seen to handle money, except in a brothel or a casino.’ [via YMFY]
June 30, 2011
[tv] How to be… a Top Gear presenter‘The key attribute required of a Top Gear presenter is unerring devotion to the idea of the car as history’s most perfect vehicle. This devotion must be so irrational that, if anyone dares to suggest something is better than a car – perhaps a boat, or a train, or a BMX, or a bobsleigh, or a jet fighter – you must feel compelled to immediately challenge one to a race.’
June 23, 2011
[books] Famous Opening Lines From Novels Updated For The Modern Age‘Call me Ishmael_65.’
June 21, 2011
[funny] The Stages Of Sleep

Stages Of Sleep Diagram

June 20, 2011
[docu] The Loving Trap … perfectly done parody/hatchet job of Adam Curtis. [via Meg]
June 19, 2011
[movies] Blade Runner Updated … What if Deckard’s computer was running Windows XP? [via Forbidden Planet Blog Log]

June 16, 2011
[text] Bacon Ipsum … Generate a meaty Lorem ipsum‘Bacon ipsum dolor sit amet tri-tip flank tenderloin, pork chop beef tail cow pork belly rump venison ribeye pork pig. Pastrami strip steak shank salami hamburger venison, pig flank beef pork loin rump. Bacon meatball tongue, rump sirloin corned beef shoulder. Shankle tri-tip shank strip steak, pancetta sausage corned beef shoulder pork chop tenderloin. Jerky beef chuck, beef ribs jowl t-bone brisket ham hock venison salami sirloin ground round pork belly bacon. Pig ham hock pork chop pancetta tongue salami. Sausage meatball short loin, pastrami bacon ham boudin venison.’
June 12, 2011
[funny] Arty Bollocks Generator … Create an instant artistic mission statement with no effort … ‘My work explores the relationship between acquired synesthesia and emotional memories. With influences as diverse as Wittgenstein and John Lennon, new synergies are crafted from both simple and complex meanings…’
June 5, 2011
[funny] Darren Wants A Drama-Free Relationship

Funny TV Screen Capture

June 3, 2011
[royalty] The Queen Mother’s Little Note“I think that I will take 2 *small* bottles of Dubonnet and Gin with me this morning…”
June 1, 2011
[funny] Dr Johnson On Adam Curtis


May 12, 2011
[tv] The Most Stupid Quiz Answer Ever?‘Andrew and Vanessa – the contestants in question – had been doing so well in the Channel 4 game show. But then came the fateful Bannister question. In 1954, did he go into space, run a sub-four minute mile or become the first man ever to put the toilet seat down? Andrew and Vanessa ummed. They ahhed. Then, out of nowhere, Andrew had a breakthrough. Eyes burning with pure knowledge, he shouted “I think I’ve seen ‘Bannister’ written on a toilet!” Vanessa was more cautious, wailing “Who KNOWS this?” before eventually agreeing on the toilet thing as well.’
May 9, 2011
[funny] The Super-injuncted Crossword Puzzle‘6 Across – Shagged his wife’s sister’s former best friend whilst still married to her.’
May 7, 2011
[blog] I Curate The Internet … brilliantly done image Tumblr. Do check out the archives. (Some NSFW content)